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Forum Home » High Critique » "Mind" please tell me what you think

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
3/15/2023 8:32:11 AM

The Ant
Posts: 10
Mind

Tic tic tic
Go the seconds on the clock
And the rustling of papers
“Someone please say stop!”
“I am trapped inside a nightmare”
“I am trapped inside my head”
“I’m filled with millions of equations”
“Was it something that I said?”

Tic tic tic
“Goes the clock I cannot hear”
“Because I’m floating and I’m sinking”
“I am drowning in my fear”
“I am screaming and I’m crying”
And nobody can tell
On the outside
All is perfect
“In my head I’m stuck in hell”
I am calm and I’m collected
I am joyous and secure
“In my head I know I’m lying”
“Although my reasons are unsure”

Tic Tic Tic
And the clock keeps ticking
All the voices getting louder
“And I know there’s something missing”
Everything is moving faster
Everything is slowing down
“If I scream and no one's listening”
“Do I even make a sound?”
A millions things have happened
“But it’s all inside my brain”
“It finally has happened”
“I have finally gone insane”
We all have tried to reach you
But you just can’t hear
The clock will still be ticking without you here
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3/16/2023 1:08:42 PM

Jenny Gargarello
Posts: 4
I really enjoyed your poem.
I'm not sure the quotation marks add to it or not. I might try taking them out or using them less frequently. The poem seems to die at the end because it rhymes until that point.
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11/19/2024 12:05:08 PM

Deyja Sieben
Posts: 4
I love that! But yes, I also think it would be easier to read without all the quotation marks
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