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3/31/2018 10:37:06 PM

Frank Brander
Posts: 1

I was looking to have these critiqued, they're part of a tragedy poem that's yet to be named. They are mildly erotic but not explict and very subtile, for the most part. I use Merriam-Webster and the only word not in there is "Lordress" but I'm thinking it be would be better as "Lordess"? Also, it was originally "Lord" and "Goddess" was "God." "Amethyst Goddess" (Parts 3 and 4 of 9) is a kyrille-sonnet, almost but then becomes a qeutern-kyrille in the the fifth stanza. It would have morphed into the fifth stanza by repeating the refrain from the first four stanzas but I felt that the refrains were much more dramatic, like this. "First Blush" (Part 5 of 9) is quetern-quetrain but kind of has an Easter egg in it, maybe make this a side note or something at the beginning of it, "Maybe should remove the 'a' and change 'traversing' to 'traverse' maybe...damn syllable checkers" Thank you though and you won't hurt my feelings but I am interested how they make you feel though.

"Amethyst Goddess"
Violaceous garnet plum wine;
flirtatious garment—plush neckline;
mergence adored...roughest frankness—
Mercy Lord—amethyst—temptress—

Bodacious—passionateness...come....
Curvaceous—fortunateness...wild....
Foresee laurel, amorous test—
Mercy-Lord; amethyst temptress—

Ostentatious garble...plump shrine;
audacious garbing...plunge supine,
murderess headboard, ambushed thus—
Mercy-Lord-amethyst—temptress—

Capricious obstinate glum whys;
mendacious magnet...swum wiving.
Oversee lordly...thrust-bareness—
Mercy-Lord-amethyst-temptress!

"Mercy-Lordress-God-am-temptress!"
Sexy ward...anxious protectress...
...gypsy sword...predacious huntress;
mercy Goddess—salacious mistress—

Merged lurer...kinkiest temples—
"Mercy-Lordress-God-am-temptress!"
Mercury lore...cruelest telltales;
mercy Goddess—nastiest techniques—

Emcee whored....—Ambitious countess—
Piquancy toured....—Amp...enchantress—
"Mercy-Lordress-God-am-temptress!"
Mercy Goddess—lustrous seductress

Controversy lorn...specious buss;
pharisee cored...noxious lushness...
...mermaids implored...trust cockatrice?
"Mercy-Lordress-God-am-temptress!"

"First Blush"
"At first blush, amethyst empress;
January rhodolite snow?"
Breasts exposed—silk citrine bedding.
Chokecherry redolent bureau.

Fresh sapphire hydrangeas snowballs.
"At first blush, amethyst empress;
slow brewed, fresh for you, schorl coffee,
a fervent lush breakfast esthesis."

Emerald, peridot nude leer
Diamond coquetry pearl smirk
"At first blush, amethyst empress;
almond pastry—perfectly perk."

Aquamarine truths; ruby lies
traversing mush, angst egregiously
Tanzanite nightmares, nubile now
"At first blush, amethyst empress."

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