Limericks I - Relatives and Relativity

Limericks I - Relatives and Relativity The Cosmological Constant by Michael R. Burch Einstein, the frizzy-haired, said E equals MC squared. Thus all mass decreases as activity ceases? Not my mass, my a$$ declared! A$$-tronomical by Michael R. Burch Relativity, the theorists’ creed, says mass increases with speed. My (m)a$$ grows when I sit it. Mr. Einstein, get with it; equate its deflation, I plead! Relative to Whom? by Michael R. Burch Einstein’s theory, incredibly silly, says a relative grows willy-nilly at speeds close to light. Well, his relatives might, but mine grow their (m)a$$es more stilly! Time Out! by Michael R. Burch Hawking’s "Brief History of Time" is such a relief! How sublime that time, in reverse, may un-write this verse and un-spend my last thin dime! Time Back In! by Michael R. Burch Hawking, who makes my head spin, says time may flow backward. I grin, imagining the surprise in my mother's eyes when I head for the womb once again! The Cosmological Constant by Michael R. Burch Einstein the frizzy-haired said E equals MC squared. Thus all mass decreases as activity ceases? Not my mass, my a$$ declared! Relative Theory I by Michael R. Burch Einstein’s "relative" theory says masses increase, all too clearly, at speeds close to light. Well, his relatives’ might, but mine grow their m(a$$es) more stilly! Relative Theory II by Michael R. Burch Einstein’s peculiar theory excludes all my relatives, clearly, since my relatives’ a$$es increase their prone masses while approaching light speed—not nearly! Relative Theory III by Michael R. Burch Relativity, we’re led to believe, proves masses increase with great speed. But it seems my huge family must be an anomaly; since their (m)a$$es increase, gone to seed! Keywords/Tags: Albert Einstein, theory of relativity, science, cosmology, relationship, relationships, family, energy, light, speed of light, lights, light poetry, humor, humorous Rallying the Dupes by Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" after Anaïs Vionet Houston, we have a problem: the virus is multiplying; meanwhile, our Demander-in-Chief keeps lying, lying, lying. Houston, we have a problem: the Astros are now the Nau(gh)ts, but Tweety will still pack the ’Dome untroubled by actual thoughts. Of Tetley’s and V-2's (or "Why Not to Bomb the Brits") by Michael R. Burch The English are very hospitable, but tea-less, alas, they grow pitiable ... or pitiless, rather, and quite in a lather! O bother, they're more than formidable. The Better Man by Michael R. Burch Dear Ed: I don’t understand why you will publish this other guy— when I’m brilliant, devoted, one hell of a poet! Yet you publish Anonymous. Fie! Fie! A pox on your head if you favor this poet who’s dubious, unsavor y, inconsistent in texts, no address (I checked!): since he’s plagiarized Unknown, I’ll wager! The Heimlich Limerick by Michael R. Burch for T. M. The sanest of poets once wrote: "Friend, why be a sheep or a goat? Why follow the leader or be a blind breeder?" But almost no one took note. 15 Seconds by Michael R. Burch Our president’s sex life?atrocious! His "briefings"?bizarre hocus-pocus! Politics?a shell game. My brief moment of fame? It flashed by before Oprah could notice! While most limericks are humorous, the form can been adapted for more serious purposes. Here's a poem of mine that can be shared with anyone it might help . . . Self Reflection by Michael R. Burch for anyone struggling with self-image She has a comely form and a smile that brightens her dorm . . . but she’s grossly unthin when seen from within; soon a griefstricken campus will mourn. Yet she’d never once criticize a friend for the size of her thighs. Do unto others— sisters and brothers? Yes, but also ourselves, likewise. The Trouble with Elephants by Michael R. Burch An elephant never forgets which is why they don’t make the best pets: Jumbo may well out-live you, but he’ll never forgive you so you may as well save your regrets! The Beat Goes On by Michael R. Burch Bored stiff by his board-stiff attempts at “meter,” I crossly concluded I’d use each iamb in lieu of a lamb, bedtimes when I’m under-quaaluded. There once was a poet from Tennessee who was known to indulge in straight Hennessey for his heart had been broken and cruelly ripped open by an ice-hoarding Dame of Paree. —Michael R. Burch A coquettish young lady of France longed to have lusty men in her pants, but in lieu of real joys she settled for boys, then berated her lack of romance. —Michael R. Burch A virginal lady of France longed to have a ménage in her pants but in lieu of real boys she settled for toys & painted pinkies to make her bits dance. —Michael R. Burch There was a young lady of France Who’d let cute boys root in her pants: Where they'd give her the finger And she'd let them linger because that's the point of romance! —Michael R. Burch A germane young German, a dame with a quite unpronounceable name, gave me a kiss; I lectured her, "Miss, we haven't been intro'd, for shame!" —Michael R. Burch A germane young German, a dame with a quite unpronounceable name, Frenched me a kiss; I admonished her, "Miss, you’ve left me twice tongue-tied, for shame!" —Michael R. Burch Cancun Cruz by Michael R. Burch There once was a senator, Cruz, whose whole life was one pus-oozing schmooze. When Trump called his wife ugly, Cruz brown-nosed him smugly, then went on a sweet Cancún cruise! Anchors Aweigh! by Michael R. Burch There once was an anchor babe, Cruz, whose deployment was Castro’s bold ruse. Now the revenge of Fidel has worked out quite well as Cruz missiles launch from his caboose! Canadian Cruz by Michael R. Burch There was a Canadian, Cruz, an anchor babe with a bold ruse: he’d take Texas first and then do his worst to infect the whole world with his views. Keywords/Tags: light verse, nonsense verse, doggerel, limerick, humor, humorous