I Hate Mother's Day
Its been over 27 years coming
this missive or letter,
maybe poem ?
I HATE Mother’s day !!
with a passion ... I've said it ...
The sheer relief is palpitating
a load of my mind, and body,
slithers away peacefully knowingly,
just to see those words in writing,
Actually I find the words out of reach
to express my utter relief, just now
Don’t get me wrong,
It’s not that I don’t love or
want to celebrate my mother
or lack feeling for her
Oh ! it’s completely the opposite
Not only does it remind me what I miss (her)
but it also reminds me, what,
what I always felt I lacked
(as a mother I mean), and I've felt
it for many years, since my first
My mother and hers and my father and his
set the standards so high, so very high
that I thought hey, I'm smart ?
I can be a mother a better mother
like no other, like no other indeed !
I remember receiving gifts
being overwhelmed with joy
that first mother’s day
I was graced with that love
and all those crazy
Motherly emotions, we mothers feel
I felt gratitude for all that
and so much more
But then doubt crawled into mind
setting up house, making a home
that would last the whole lifetime
of my eldest son, until these past
days filled with agony, measured
no longer in minutes or hours
but in each moment of pain
I felt I hadn’t been there enough
I knew, or thought I knew
I hadn't loved them 'enough'
or soothed their pains
or made their bed 'enough',
Jesus, the **** I poured
down my own back
I lack many things, though
I had wisp of a dream
that hope would win,
I'd be a mother, like my own
but that wasn't to be
life changed like a hurricane
I lived one life and then
another took its place
no better or worse,
just different
my children never went without,
then they did for more years
than the former, I felt the pain
each time I said 'no' but always
tried to rob Peter paying Paul his due
and went without, yes even food
then slowly as times sands swiftly
drew threw the hourglass
they all left, got jobs, found love
and made lives without me,
I never get to see them much
some more than others
over time it’s taken its toll
I thought lack of contact
spoke about the mother I was
how much I was loved
I was right,
it was saying something
just not what I thought
I have saved two of mine
from the very hands of death,
I have went without sleep
for more reasons than I care to list
I have answered the phone
in the dead of night
spoken about everything
and nothing
I missed a call to bail a man out
but alas it was the one night
I have known the hands of sleep
all night, for a very long time
so I forgive myself, even if he doesn't
I have slaved and went without sleep
Christmas night, just to see their
little faces in the morning
I always tried my best hoping
and praying, yes praying !,
(to that one in the second row
Saying, "I always knew she prayed")
Some will take a shot at a guess
at why I write this just now this close
to a day that should be celebrated
for all mothers the good ones and the bad
It’s because even a bad mother can love
with every fiber of her beautiful soul,
even a bad mother can be a good mother
on those days that end with a child’s peace
As my days trickle to hours and minutes
I know mothers never ever stop being mothers
yes even the bad ones, can love forever
with passion that burns from her womb
There is a feeling that only a mother can feel
and I don’t mean just birth mothers,
I mean all mothers Biological or not
they all feel it in their hearts and minds
in their bodies and souls
even the children she gave homes to
(but not life), in doing so
is giving a life to without
knowing first breath,
and yet still carry with them a love
they will always bare
then as times hand lays his head
and says enough, she is gone
it is now on this Mother’s Day
I say, I hate mother’s day even more
because I am a motherless child
wishing for just a few moments more
so I could tell my mother
she was the best mother, like no other,
Because she was mine
---
Postscript:-
there’s a lesson here for you children
those lucky enough to still have their mother
give her a call and just say I love you, then hang up !!
let her think what a "cray cray crazy" child she has
but wouldn’t change for anything even life
and I bet she smiles ... eventually
time will never stand for no man or woman,
So love your mother and tell her, once a week ? maybe?
To my kindred souls who have felt the loss
and the stinging cut of the wounds
that drip with grief from their loss
today I hate Mother’s day too ......
but there's a lasting but here,
I forgive my beautiful soul,
I gave 'enough', it was all I had ...
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