Never strike a child in anger. When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he is recuperating from the measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday.
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A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
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What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
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I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
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If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
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'In Saudi Arabia, a motorist accidentally killed a monkey on a highway in the Khamis Messeit region. Later, while driving home on the same road, he found monkeys still gathered around the dead animal's body. The mourners spotted his car, jumped on it, and smashed his windows!'
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Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, No, thank you, to dessert that night. And for what!
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I told you I was sick.
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A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory an empty gin bottle.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?
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When God was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. An angel nearby said, What kind of father is that? If you
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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If I had my life to live over I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
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If I had my life to live over I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
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If I had my life to live over I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
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Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.
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If I had my life to live over I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
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If I had my life to live over I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
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It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.
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If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food.
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Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
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We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.
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If I had my life to live over I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.
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If a man watches three football games in a row he should be declared legally dead.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
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If I had my life to live over I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
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Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
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