From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate 'Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey':
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him.
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Beer. Now there's a temporary solution
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Whats the deal with toilet paper these days? Its no longer called 'toilet paper'. There are little sissy names for it such as: 'bathroom tissue', and many others. [...]
[Pets] never complain. They never bite you, or pee on you because you don't call them 'k9s', or 'Felines'. They just go about their business, like humping your leg, or licking each others genitals.
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If you go parachuting with your friends and your parachute doesn't open, I think a funny gag would be to act like you are swimming.
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Do you know I think is dumb? Probably not, huh. Well anyway it always kills me when I see parents yell at there kids for squirting people with a squirt gun. What is the kid suppose to think anyway, I mean its a gun, meant to get people wet, hence the name squirt gun . That is like selling a disgruntled postal worker a real gun, when indeed he is about to flip, they know when selling him the gun, the outcome will be bad.
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Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: 'A truck!'
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Linda Emery: A philosophy major? Now, what can you do with a philosophy major? Bruce Lee: You can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.
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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, pee in it, and serve it to the people that piss you off.
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Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself 'mankind' Basically it is made up of two separate words- 'Mank' and 'ind' What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
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In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
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I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
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If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
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One time, I got a dog and named him Stay, and ever day I would say, 'Come here, stay!' Eventually he just went insane.
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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
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Whether or not life is discovered there, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
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LINDA: A philosophy major? Now what can you do with a philosophy major? BRUCE LEE: You can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.
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