When the child is twelve, your wife buys her a splendidly silly article of clothing called a training bra. To train what? I never had a traini...
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People will frighten you about a graduation....They use words you don't hear often... 'And we wish you Godspeed.' It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.
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I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
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The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
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Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you
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Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage; the wife is in charge.
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A word to the wise isn't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.
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Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.
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Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries
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As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak she gave me a younger brother named Russel, who taught me what was meant by survival of the fittest.
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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry
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Men and women belong to different species, and communication between them is a science still in its infancy.
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The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic
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In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
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My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.
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Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
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Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.
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For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked
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One of the great mistakes that can be made by a man of my age is to get involved in athletic competition with children--unless, of course, they are under six. And even then, stay away from hide-and-seek.
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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
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Nothing separates the generations more than musicthe time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes
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Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge
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I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone.
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If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right
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The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods
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Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home
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There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God
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Children today know more about sex than I or my father did
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I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't
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A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
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