Undefeated, I Am Not

Is it possible to be proud of pride; if not then I don't know what to call this this feeling of appreciation, turning an entire night around but the night gains dust on the couch; it's a new day, a dark new day The issue, it's still buzzing, nagging, playing the joker trump card My heart may be strong but it can't take these punches much longer This situation sits confidently on top of my head dodging at all the right times while tirelessly I struggle to remove it I see a moment to erupt like a volcano but only a ring of smoke flares out I see a moment to throw up the lunch I never ate but only a belch emerges with the blood slowly rushing to my cheeks My life is like a game of Jenga it's always one thing piling up after another, creating a skyscraper all the problems of my opinions, all the problems I share with friends yet when one ray of hope, when one ounce of merriment commences there's a shade of my past at the ready to crack down my defenses makes me remember and the skyscraper is now a building block avalanche, crippling me Stained, why am I so stained; who's to blame Was it Belle or did it all begin with Sarah... I'm unable to tell, it all seems so foreign The only thing telling me it was once my reality: pain It hurts, I cannot deny; it hurts I can put on all the facades I can muster, act facetious, say I don't care but it would just be one more lie I'd write off My issues, they stand undefeated, no scars or scratches while I lay down bruised and beaten, no will to get up again They don't fall, the tears, but their stinging presence is felt Pathetic...the abrupt crazy laughter cries pathetic insanity while my voice screams 'whatever' Will I ever be able to live this down; if I live it down, I'll just throw it back up Why...why did she have to tell...I was better off ignorant now I'm cursed with a replay of my vibrant imagination... If I tear out my eyes, will I still be able to visualize...