To Be Continued: Night Thoughts

Go...away… It comes a low mumble but I mean it as a scream lying here on this creaky carpeted wooden floor it seems I'm not going to sleep for while, getting lost with my dreams not like they love me, they've spent years trying to have me lay deceased and I'm so tempted lately to feel at least that release yet even in dreams I'm so terrified of death my feet run with all their might so I may avoid the sting though I still know what a bullet feels like to pierce my skin even recalling it now makes me feel like there's a wound in my chest but at best, it's nothing new One was always there… It's so easy to blame Sarah, I still feel the urge to do so now Her passing into my life, I call it so her fault my weaker self would dub it so fortunately I've grown, I've put it behind me We are no longer close I still believe I know her better than most while she's laughing away on a Texas coast I don't know if the coast is where she lays her head honestly it's better food for my thoughts than this nagging feeling, buzzing about this makeshift bed I'm lost without a start, no one's calling with opportunities for me to get out of my room an empty stomach is my doom I'm so used to buying my food but my cash supply will run out soon I need to save what I have what I have is that nagging voice in the back of my head groaning, saying “What's the use?” What is the use I don't mean to complain I'm simply feeling so much disdain My friends are nonexistent Happy with their lives, they're beyond content I don't want to rain on their parade bring on my fire and malcontent Hate is my vacuum, this house a black hole Mix them both together, this setting is getting old There is no place for me Have I exaggerated, I don't know My home is a controller but I've picked it up 7 times tonight to no avail It keeps me busy, distracted, focus my only focus has been on how miserable I feel so off to sleep, keep the demons at bay what I would say but sleep hates me today Sleep is not coming, sleep does not wish me well Where is this place I fell the taste in my mouth says water please my throat is dry now, can't you tell from what, I don't know I just don't want to go home I pick up this controller, I know way too well I pick up to put it down My gosh, isn't this swell My home is something to turn off and on It's not a person or place All the things I used to find comforting I find a disaster to my health but I can't move, I can't run too many things I got to do Is this only me, are they happening to you too What else am I supposed to do I've done all I could, my straws are running out What can I grasp onto I'm running out of space, I'm running out of room I don't want to run of time I don't want to be here alone with my thoughts I'd talk to my girlfriend, the future I'm running to yet talking benefits me not not in these moods, so I chase stars stare at my ceiling, hoping it'll move so I can fly, a straight shot onto the moon and talk to the man upon it so he and I can be friends, never be alone Yet the blank canvas of the ceiling Man, I hate that view It's just shadows bouncing off the lamp I'd turn off if I wasn't so afraid of the dark the pitch black kind, where I can't see what's in front of me Sorry for rambling, this is for my sake To keep talking, a brief second to breathe For if I stop now, my thoughts will surround me and lord knows I hate to be all alone with Me...