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Tingling Numbness

Her screaming Yet somehow i managed to see her death in my mind Just to be reunited with him I curled and rolled in bed Missing and wishing Crying and regretting Stupid girl, some girls never learn Repeating same mistakes over and over Yet i lay there motionless Unable to hear the beat of my heart I had to check Anxiety, emptyness.. I needed something but i didn't know what I needed to escape but i didn't know where I needed out of this body I needed God I had to check my spirituality When was the last time i felt Him Working in me I've been so disconnected Somehow my world feels unbalanced I am so worried It's killing me My health is killing me Mental health Here comes the frequent topic again The one thing that is now defining those close to me I look at us and i see anxiety, depression, abuse and addictions All those combined All those at once is a recipe of the obvious disaster Maybe am alone too much Or maybe i shouldn't observe too much Maybe i should just close my eyes and listen to the slowness of my heart beat That always worries me And instead of thinking of it and other things I should just focus on the inner strengths Those tiny fibers in there that haven't been tainted Those little wires in there that can still fire a positive atom Like today i thought of giving up on poetry I feel so tired, am no longer interested It's the same stories all the time If it's not love it's dark, if not dark its sad, if not sad then maybe some happiness Same stories just told differently Nothing new Maybe i should just take the antidepressant and call it life If i have it, i have it If i don't have, then i can't force it Or should i wait for the breakdown And then check myself in...so sure people will talk...a psych..place Because i know it so well Maybe i don't, it's my mind It's the worrying...i think i inherited it It's the sugar...i can't control myself Yet i know the imminent danger It's the fear of love It's the fear of being loved It's an emotional battle that i never win It's wanting to hide but also wanting to be seen It's wanting to be held but also wanting to be shunned Can't please it I don't know me