Suicide

The day I woke up I will never forget Confusion An enormous pang of guilt hits me in the solar plexus I curl up into the foetal position As I remember The guilt How can I face it? Them Explanations will be expected I will say it was accidental? I didn't mean it But I did And they found the note I speak to a doctor How do you feel? He enquires I feel ok I lie But he sees through my deceit He is trained to discover my thoughts He has a kind face But can I trust him I don’t want to be locked away Can I tell him I feel angry? That it didn't work and I don’t want to be here In a world I am not good enough for And a burden to those close Can I tell him I am disappointed? That no one will miss me No one will care So what if I die? You don’t know me Can I tell him I’m a terrible mother? I did it to give my kids a better life My depression clearly affects them They deserve better than me A life of happiness and joy My state of mind prevents that I feel so much guilt it kills inside I have no money, our house second hand I did it for them, my darling children It is them I now have to face Can I tell him I was happy? The moment my decision was made End my life and the constant pain Peace for me Relief for my family Knowing the end was near I felt organised A resolution found Can I tell him I miss my loved ones? Those who passed over the years I felt that I needed them To be near To be loved As I was I feel alone I imagined them all waiting for me With open arms, smiles and big hugs Can I tell him the guilt is too much? I want to run as fast as I can Jump of a bridge Or under a bus I am gutted I’m here I need to escape I feel trapped like a wild animal Awaiting my fate But I will bide my time Until no one suspects “She’s fine just down in the dumps” A cry for help She just needs pills Maybe therapy Or just to talk No one will ever know The misery and torture inside That rips me to pieces Thwarts any chance of happiness No light at the end of the tunnel No hope of ending this suffering A solitary silence I will hold Until the time I get my wish To be free, at peace, at last So please don’t judge me I tried my best but failed I am not like you I am weak I am fragile I cannot cope with what life gives Many years wounded Pain and suffering In the dark and alone I am damaged beyond repair