Prepare the Guillotine

So it's become aware Another ounce of revolution to dare A dream rather a statement once declared False, now a lie Hardly a surprise Feels like that is my lot in my life I so desperately want to belong I so desperately cling to this false hope of camaraderie That I blindly believe I can outgrow my silence That no matter how far I travel out of my comfort zone Know who I am where I rest my head Where I lay now is not my bed So in this foreign land I have to ask myself "Who are you? " "Why do you change so much with your surroundings? " "Why can't you be who you've always been? " "Is it because you're afraid you won't be accepted? " "Is it because you're afraid of revealing all your cards? " What is your problem? What is your deal? I always ask myself but I never have an answer All I hear is the sound of droplets of water from the clouds of this brainstorm The sound makes it feel much more lonely than it should be Sadly enough this is what it feels to be me Stuck on the outside looking in A phantom looking through the glass No past, no future Just rushing to embrace the present for a brief second since every second is the future and you want to make it count for something Though it feels all that something amounts to nothing sometimes Why do I keep finding more ways to succumb to my own thoughts Suffocating under the weight of my own scrutiny The prosecutor and executioner of my own judgement Prepare the guillotine I offer you my head in exchange for peace of mind I offer you my head in exchange to be better I need to be better Why can't I be better Yet here I sit indulging my growing frustrations in a rhythm I can't identify Instead of enjoying the company in the people around me I love this woman to death I love this woman and her world I love this woman and her family Still I feel like an outcast unsuccessfully trying to merge with her universe I'm trying my best not to speak about it Not to turn my own fears into reality This means way too much I don't know why She's already mine, my love is returned So why do I try so hard Why am I trying so hard Because this island wants to return to the mainland but I'm stuck in my own port Floating and floating with the sharks always circling While the tide is an ever present thorn in my side Maybe if I kill my pride, I'll kill this price upon my head This ransom I can't pay The price I pay, staving off my dreams of having a family someday If I can't integrate into one and I have no place in my own Do I even have a right to one? I've been 23 for 2 days and my midlife crisis has been dragging on for 4 years I've been 23 for 2 days and I don't know how to be... Me