Anxiety -- a Collage
Note to the reader: I wrote this poem yesterday in response to Peter Duggan's poem,
"Fear and Emptiness", which I highly recommend . I intend it to complement Peter's
excellent work on this vicious mental disorder.
it is always there
the torment of the past
the memories will not die
so i sequester myself
like “The Man With Xray Eyes”
seeing too much
and unable to cut it off
too many memories
flashing constantly before this too-small mind
slow it down
close my eyes
and write what i know
the world overwhelms me
this is what i know
more and more and more it overwhelms
until the tears flow in yet another humiliation
and i am driven to bed
pull the covers over me
shield me from the innocent children frolicking just outside my window
as i grind my teeth
it is too much
its the never forgetting you see
the constant presence
that never dies away into the past
i anticipate it will happen
and it always does
the slightest gesture
a rolling of the eyes
a sneer of condescension
a careless unrepressible shrug of indifference
--the simple bustle of life--
magnified beyond all reason
and branded on my consciousness forever
there is no fear you see
just dread of future tiny memories
my mind can no longer hold
when i was younger i could manage
my insight drove me to great heights
but now in middle age
exhaustion
from a lifetime of failed repression
i have no faith to beat back the tiny traumas of a life time
they say “embrace the emptiness” from people with real traumas
and i try
but the memories beat back the emptiness
and force me to relive every moment of casual insult
“why not the pleasant times” they ask
it is my consciousness you see
running amok through my awareness
it is broke
and i can not fix it
“thin skinned” they say
but the myriad tiny scars do not thicken
they ooze and puss-up
and never fade
i can no longer think
with hope and affirmation of life
it is my curse
that drives me underground
hide me
so i do not collapse among strangers in the store
so the tears do not flow
Copyright © Sam Toil | Year Posted 2014
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