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Anxiety -- a Collage

Note to the reader: I wrote this poem yesterday in response to Peter Duggan's poem, "Fear and Emptiness", which I highly recommend . I intend it to complement Peter's excellent work on this vicious mental disorder. it is always there the torment of the past the memories will not die so i sequester myself like “The Man With Xray Eyes” seeing too much and unable to cut it off too many memories flashing constantly before this too-small mind slow it down close my eyes and write what i know the world overwhelms me this is what i know more and more and more it overwhelms until the tears flow in yet another humiliation and i am driven to bed pull the covers over me shield me from the innocent children frolicking just outside my window as i grind my teeth it is too much its the never forgetting you see the constant presence that never dies away into the past i anticipate it will happen and it always does the slightest gesture a rolling of the eyes a sneer of condescension a careless unrepressible shrug of indifference --the simple bustle of life-- magnified beyond all reason and branded on my consciousness forever there is no fear you see just dread of future tiny memories my mind can no longer hold when i was younger i could manage my insight drove me to great heights but now in middle age exhaustion from a lifetime of failed repression i have no faith to beat back the tiny traumas of a life time they say “embrace the emptiness” from people with real traumas and i try but the memories beat back the emptiness and force me to relive every moment of casual insult “why not the pleasant times” they ask it is my consciousness you see running amok through my awareness it is broke and i can not fix it “thin skinned” they say but the myriad tiny scars do not thicken they ooze and puss-up and never fade i can no longer think with hope and affirmation of life it is my curse that drives me underground hide me so i do not collapse among strangers in the store so the tears do not flow

Copyright © | Year Posted 2014




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Date: 9/1/2016 1:29:00 AM
Sounds like the stuff that hermits are made of...like me, Sam. I've been there. I understand. Great poem.
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Date: 4/23/2014 9:05:00 AM
Sara, thanks for your kind comment. I must admit, I was a little hesitant about posting this poem. But such is poetry I guess. We have to put ourselves out there. Peace...Sam
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Date: 4/23/2014 8:36:00 AM
Great emotive and expressive work that can lead to healing..Always remember that you are "an awesome spiritual being of magnificent worth as person, truly loved of God"..Thanks for the visit to my page..I do like Monet's impressionist work..Sara
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Sam Toil
Date: 4/23/2014 9:06:00 AM
Sara, thanks for your kind comment. I must admit, I was a little hesitant about posting this poem. But such is poetry I guess. We have to put ourselves out there. Peace...Sam
Date: 4/22/2014 5:57:00 PM
Bravery isn't about having no fear it is being afraid and doing what fears us. I can relate to this I suffer with Anxiety. You describe the feelings well. Good write
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Sam Toil
Date: 4/22/2014 8:04:00 PM
Hi Louise, it is so nice to meet you. Thank you for your kind comment. I hope your Anxiety is not immobilizing. The fact that you are a member of PoetrySoup tells me that you are coping and facing your demons. Godspeed. Peace...Sam
Date: 4/22/2014 3:32:00 PM
So many are constantly coping with the self doubts and fear of losing control in public who need help but may never have the courage to seek it for fear of being misunderstood. Those who have tred in the same shoes and have learned how to best cope can help the most. A wonderful introspective piece Sam.
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Sam Toil
Date: 4/22/2014 3:44:00 PM
Your words are full of wisdom, Connie, as always. These days, there are many effective treatments for these kinds of disorders. Yet people live in denial that they have a problem -- afraid of stigmatizing themselves. So they internalize the emotional pain and isolate. It is tragic. Thanks for your many trips through my page and for the little pieces of yourself you have left behind for me treasure. Peace...Sam
Date: 4/22/2014 9:54:00 AM
well done!!! I learned a lot from this awesome poem... so admirable one!! ..keep it up, Sam!! :O)
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Sam Toil
Date: 4/22/2014 10:08:00 AM
Hi AiyaH, it is very nice to meet you. Thanks for stopping by. And thank you for your inspiring comment. I am pleased you learned a lot from it. Peace...Sam
Date: 4/22/2014 9:22:00 AM
Very well told Sam... Verlena
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Sam Toil
Date: 4/22/2014 9:30:00 AM
Hi Verlena. It is very nice to meet you. And thank you for your kind remark. Peace...Sam