Electricity is really just organized lightning.
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Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? by
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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Hobbies cost money but interests are free.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck
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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.
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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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I’d like to take advantage of this early opportunity to wish all of you an enjoyable Christmas season and a happy New Year filled with good fortune. Of course I realize this can’t happen for everyone. Some of you are going to die next year, and others will be crippled and maimed in accidents, perhaps even completely paralyzed. Still others will be stricken with diseases that can’t be cured, or will be horribly scarred in fires. And lets not forget the robberies and rapes – there’ll be lots of them. Therefore many of you will not be able to enjoy the happy and fortunate New Year I’m wishing for you. So just try and do the best you can.
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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Always do whatever's next.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything
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You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.
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Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
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The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
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A whole lot of people are really not good at anything.
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I use the word 'fat.' I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight... There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat!
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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
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