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Best Poems Written by Floatingpoet Captainmike

Below are the all-time best Floatingpoet Captainmike poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

Details | Floatingpoet Captainmike Poem

Pissing In the Wind

the ocean's my play ground
and pretty days there I be found
I come from the land of pirates and drug runners
but now days I thinks fishin is funner

6 days off shore, my vision a tunnel
while all me mates puke on the gunnel
I cackle and gives the boyz a nod
and holdz tightly to me'z fishin rod

I'z drinkin me'z rum and tea
but then I reel-I'z I need'z to pee
I move a boy'z head, and puts da rod on the gunnel
and unzipps me center pocket for the bladder funnel

so while I was holdin the dong
I see'z "I got a fish on!"
oh how it gave me'z the joys
I caught that fish while pissin on dim boys

by Capt. Mike

ps I glad that fish didn't bite me other pole!

Details | Floatingpoet Captainmike Poem

I'M a Sea Captain, Don'T Need a Microphone

I'm a sea captain!
Don't need a microphone !
I watched you take a back spin
With the skills I've honed

You pre picked your pansy pearl
Thought I didn't know it?
You presented your gargantuan 
giggly girl
But didn't expect the Floating Poet

To the fart scoundrel of snoot port
Who saw the need was dire
Had the art counsel of Beaufort
Promise 2nd and 3rd to out of town 
liars
(along with money and nice hotel 
rooms)
It was a nice thing you did for her
The unethical proposition
She was the winner the judges 
concur
But it was a liars competition

these are the last words you'll hear
From me there's no protest
But I'd like to see appear
An honest liars contest

Since it had nothing to do with luck
Let these words forever harass
cause I think you all suck
and you can take this cheap kazoo 
you gave me and shove it up 
your................

Details | Floatingpoet Captainmike Poem

The Smuggler

I want to talk of days of old
and a story that was never told
and I will tell you this story is true
and here it is without further adue

many trips I moved green bales from the keys
on my coast guard cutter called "cherokee"
I smuggled marijuana right under their noses
In the bilge and around the hoses

many years I did it without a hitch
then in hurricane Hugo the ship started to pitch
next thing was the port engine blew
and how it happened nobody knew

a fire broke out and the sparks did fly
and with all the smoke my shipmates got high!
hard putting fire out down on our knees
couldn't see a damn thing we all looked chinese!

then when all the smoke did clear
from his cabin the captain did appear
he was very angry it was easy to see
his investigation pointed the finger at me

so this is how my career was bludgeoned
but in low places I became a legend
even though I saved lives in the perfect storm
I was just a scallywag in a coast guard uniform

By Captain Mike

ps I come from the seas of pirates and drug runners
but now I fish cause I thinks it's funner!

Details | Floatingpoet Captainmike Poem

I'M So Rich

it's hard to be somebody
when your nobody
and that is where I be

and I sit here without a shower
because I lost my power
and theres salt all over me

an every time I leave my home
with stinky sandels that walk on there own
I think theres something to see

an I got a cavity in my moler
an I think I'm by polar
and everybody looks at me crazy

so mostly I bob around
can't aford to goto town
cause I'm as pour as could be

an when the demons come out at night
I know I'm alright 
cause theres nobody here but me

an half full is my cup
an I keep my chin up
just as solid as a tree

the midnight oil I burn
a new poem at every turn
I think makes me happy

and though I'm all alone
with no woman to call my own
I don't feel sorry you see

cause in the day I stay in the shade
turning lemons into lemonade
if I can find a cup for free

and for the food I have not
I'll eat the fish I caught
an there'll be no hunger for me

and at night I stay out of the bars
an in my hamock I watch the stars
richer than a rich man could be!

by Captain Mike Harris

Details | Floatingpoet Captainmike Poem

Funny Haiku's From Captain Mike

I don't know what to think about Haiku's. Haiku!

it's kinda like a sneeze
haiku kinda sounds like hah chooo
so then ka-zunn-tite!


She's giving me a back rub Haiku!

I need to fart bad
if I do she won't rub me
jeeze I shat my self  


The Divine Plan of Nature Haiku!

just for the butt hole
turds are tapered on the ends
so it don't slam shut


The One and Only Law Needed for the World to get Along! Haiku!

Everyone is free
so long as they don't take that
right from someone else

by Capt Mike

Details | Floatingpoet Captainmike Poem

Bare Foot Joey Mcphearson

my buddy John's Bertram a wood antique
I fixed the engines while he varnish teak
so there we were Joe, John, and Kelly
with a cooler packed with bait so smelly

early in the morning waz headin out the creek
big blue marlin we'ze goin to seek
40 miles past the thirty fathom curve
dropping lines for the bait we serve

John watched the lines Kinda like a cop
we had two on the bottom and 4 on top
did everything me'z could do with me'z fishin power
then John grabbed the hook up on the 3rd hour

all of a sudden it looked like a good day
when the Blue jumped we said "marlin on the way!"
the fish was pulling, screeming out line
"hurry! get John in the harness on time!"

"oh man! the stories we'll tell on the way"
"only if you get that fish in today!"

myself, Joey and Kelly, we placed our bet
while John was cranking,"I'm covered in sweat!"
there we were just having a laugh 
as Joe leened over 1 hand on the gaff

the marlin came up threw Joe's chest with it's spear
then the line popped and they both....dis..apeared
.......................
we tried hard to find our friend in trouble

...............................
looking a long time without even a bubble
......................................
......................................
....................................
.."why didn't I grab Joe! I'm just a Fool"
we didn't go home, till low on fuel
it was hard to tell Joes wife about the fack
that Davey Jones took em and won't give him back

In memmory of Barefoot Joe McPhearson 1963-1996

by Joey's best friend Capt Mike

ps I want to say thank you to my readers and I read all your 
comments and love then all. I am sorry I don't comment back
much. I am a boat mechanic and am very busy this time of year
how ever I can't wait till next winter so I can talk to all of readers.
now stay tuned for the next episode "The Soulmate" which not a
lovey dovey poem but a gut bustin laugh of my the exwives and 
all of my sailboats that I ran away from them on. to be posted 
monday morning for your enjoyment! Capt. Mike!

Details | Floatingpoet Captainmike Poem

It's An Island Ting

In the Islands day talk like you sing
don't know till ya been dar tiz an Island-ting
take two jig-um-ups tiz coke to fly
gave me shots of rum with coke on the side

smell dim gon-ja blown to day breeze
it be I-ree make day eyes chineese
you'z bee'z lookin like day rasta man
I past out with my face in the sand

I don't know why, I'll let you call it
I woke up 6 hours later without my walllet
so goto day Islands it's fun taz hear dim sings
just don't go do-zin dim wrong Island-tings

by Capt. Mike

ps yaz knows dim crabs bee'z taken yaz wallet Cap-pin Mikes
 Yes mon but you stick around and hears another story if yaz likes

Details | Floatingpoet Captainmike Poem

My Honey Dooooooo List

my honey do's should be my don'ts
but for some reason I can't say I won't
"yes honey I'll change your oil"
"ok I'll bring them shrimp to a boil"

listining to your mom oh what a bore
"yes honey I'll get smokes from the store"
"ok I'll get the kids from school"
"yes I'll bring you a towl to the pool"

"no honey I won't go to the bar"
"ok I'll fix the brakes on your mom's car"
"yes I sent your mother's birthday card"
"oh god I guess I'll rake your mom's yard"

I wish I could get a little bit of proof
while I'm putting shingles on your mom's roof
"jeeze now I'm doing her plumbing in pex"
when all I want is a little bit of SEX!

by Capt. Mike!

Details | Floatingpoet Captainmike Poem

The Soulmate

many miles I have rome
and called many boats a home
they've taken many place
to meet alot of faces
I lived different lives
with three lovely wifes

the first on I met at a red light
got her pregnant that night
all she did was lie and demand
she even hit me with a frying pan
I was so angry with my spouse
I left on a boat called"she got the house"

well the second one was in a bar a wishing
that captain mike would take her fishin
I did call her honey
but I really married her for the money
then on day I was a thinking
maybe if I knocked her up she'd quit drinking
after 9 months my plan had worked
but it came with one small quork
one day I came home
she had moved to san antone
unset she didn't want to know me
I called the next sailboat "blow me!"

the third wife had a few zits
but I think I married her for her tig bits
not sure no memories I had
she was just there when I got out of rehab
couldn't tell you the times I had
she was young and had an attorney for a dad
her dad wanted so much to relate to me
that he even paid for my vi-sec-tow-me
but towards me he held some grudges
and in the same law firm with all the judges
sure the blame on me they'd be nailing
again I desided it was time to go sailing
so with my buddy dave
who loved to misbehave
I told my wife I was getting some bread
I got on my boat and took off instead
a year and a quarter sailing I don't deny
I called that boat the "ReasonY"

I sailed to fill a void but it was so skimpy
my sails were full but my soul was empty
couldn't find happiness where ever I rome
for the first time I desided to go home
two months to the day you could set your clock
I finally made it to my home dock
and to what supprize my eyes did see
my wife was standing there waiting for me
bye gones were by gones wrongs made right
she missed me so much and we made love all night

I traded the "ReasonY" for a gas guzzling power boat
to make sure I couldn't ever aford to go so remote
togo sailing with out her I promised I'd never
just to make sure we'd always be together
now my sails are gone and my soul is full
towards her I feel my heart pull
now everyday is like our first date
and we call our new boat "the soulmate"

by Capt. Mike Harris

Details | Floatingpoet Captainmike Poem

Rich Dock Sailers

(hello! I'z bee'z day old Cap-pin Mike! this is my first poem I posted on heres!
I'z writes poem'z about my life on day ocean. just bee'z keepin in yaz head dat 
I'z very dis-sleck-sick and very very ADD so please try hard not taz pick on yaz 
old Cap-pin Mike too'z hard and yaz will hear some amazanen'z storys. sum bee'z 
adventures some bee'z trajj-itys but most bee'z funny but all will bee'z dim kind'z
of sea'z story'z. so yall bee'z injoy-inz and I'z hopes to makes all kinds of new 
friend and make din laugh cause I'z bee'z postin day new poem everyday so you'z
can bee'z keepin ups on all day act-shawn your'z newest bestest friend
Captain Mike ps now'z you-za can bee'z injoy-inz dis first one)

let me'z tell you what your Captain is thinkin
and if you don't laugh den ya must be drinkin

sum dee'z boaters are really really funny
none dim realize "you can't have fun with money!"

they all buy dim shiney over priced boats
and wear deck shoes with de blue over coats

they out pay each other to have it polished
if you get a scratch on it "it's demolished!"

"whow feller, please don't panic"
"I don't do cosmetics I'm just the mechanic!"

"can you fix my toy-lit it's gone berserk?"
"and I don't know if my engine's even work!"

"oh make sure you fix the air-con-dish-n-are!"
"I might pay you when I get back from the bar"

"I'm a millionare I'm not paying for fun"
"your to pour for a boat like this one!"

I let him talk his talk, didn't pitch a fit
felt sorry for the man "he just doesn't get it!"
"get your pretty shoes buddy!, make de wife wear a bonnet"
"cause you aint havin fun if you don't put a scratch on it!"

By Capt. Mike!

ps if any one has a job I'd love to get hired
that man couldn't take a joke, I got fired!