Best Dark Humor Poems

One pitch black night I was driving home and was ready for my bed
My usual route was closed for repairs so I took the minor road instead
I was just approaching the old derelict mill that was over to my right
When out of nowhere a lady...

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You are what you eat; it is true,
                    So cannibals are people too!

             ...

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On these bare walls 
there once hung
artwork that was picked by you,
which you'd then picked over,
leaving only a needlepoint 
your mother made for our wedding 
and a picture an alcoholic friend gave you
of a bear

How ironic now, 
it seems, they're not so bare
since I've hung...

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"Poets are Us" 

The blood dripped 
off each piranha's 
sharpened fang

acquiescing 
compliant
with tragic complacency

keep it neat and clean
within the margins
no detours 

stick like Teflon
to the poetic rules
virtuous and unsoiled

aa bb cc dd
pristine are us
sanctimonious sugared pus

we live for 
accolades are us
Dorothy reads 

Poets are us.
Smiles...

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I think I'll open a tragedy club
where people can come to weep
I'll tell the saddest stories around
admission will be cheap

I'll call the venue Tragic Relief
where heartache is the norm
and "open mike night" amateurs
can mournfully perform

To be a standup tragedian
has been a lifelong dream
No longer caring...

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The problem of PolyNomials,
equivalent or not?
with Not PolyNomials
hides a geometric bilateral 
not-no means yes 
polynomial assumption
that was profoundly channeled by ZeroCentric Bucky Fuller's
universal whole systemic Synergy.

1 Polynomial v 0 NotPolynomial
assumes if we could distinguish NP from P sets of information
in advance of processing nonviolent win/win...

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My pet monster
best friend I ever had

through all the good times
and even all the bad

we walk the streets together
some people gawk and stare

when you moan "hi" to them
it gives them quite the scare

I don't mind when you drool
and your eyes roll in your head

your still...

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He made her life a living hell.
Her heart immune to the death knell
She breaks down and cries
Tears spring from her eyes
Her acting days now serve her well.

-----------------------------------------

Contest: Open Poetry 
Sponsor: Charlotte Puddifoot
11th July, 2015
Placed 7th...

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When a rough day is behind me
And all the tension is still there
When rage is flowing through my veins
And I'm tearing out my hair
 
When the evening sky is as red as blood
And my anger as full as the moon
You can feel my fury burning...

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Nurse Narcolept’ 

Give "poetry" a go She said
She said, you won’t never look back 
take a lie down on my couch She said
She said, give my poetry a go 
she pulled me in deep 
the agony was infernally slow
Nurse Narcolept’
and her whip
traced my outline 
in...

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underneath 
his trenchcoat
he was 
in possession 
of a bent quill
he used it to tickle
words out of his 
avaries of birds
moon-eyed and 
sucker-punched
they adored the 
dripping honey 
he spooned
into their 
unworldly
wide-open bills
his avarice 
for swollen 
notoreity
observed 
by the dark
night-eyed
hunters
while he,
unsuspecting, 
stalked 
newly commissioned
clean and unmarked boxes...

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"canon service"

“We follow the rules here”, he said incorruptibly
like he was untainted as holy water 
from the incorruptible font,
he had an upward inflection in his voice 
at the end of every punctuated point,
delivered like a canon service
his gun and bullets were larger
apparently...he was high, the...

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At the end of the world where the sea meets the sky,
there's a small strip of land where the mermaids lie.
Where they  chit and they chat, or play and have fun,
and top up their tan in the midday sun.

Now it's rare to see a...

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I lay my dearest Susan down to rest
Of tall tales and humour she was the best
An excuse each night
Wouldn't hold me tight
There's something I need to get off my chest

See, Susan was a talented old hag
Three men at once she quite often would shag
The gents...

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A masochist plans his own burial
You'd think our man was malarial
  But a fallacy it is
  'Tis pain that is his
Ado for such an actuarial...

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