What if I just spread them differently

But then I am going to be called fake. I don't wanted to notice him at all, If he ever saw me looking at him, I already would've felt that my Mission failed. No hi, no bye, no smile and no help. No any gesture. But then when we sat at the bus, and he stood right infront of my eyes, Why did I feel the urge to pull his backpack? To touch his feet a bit? To pull his t-shirt a little? It was hot in there. Since I had a Fan in my hands, And the people next to me asked: ,,Can I have it?" Before I handed it out to them, I swung it at my teacher first because she was talking about how hot it was. Before I passed it to the others. I swing it to him. When he noticed, he smiled. Damnit. The personality I made up, the one I want to be. And the one I am. They don't Match. I can't devide them..