Weighed In

I took my mum to slimming world On every Tuesday night She’d get her finest glad rags on And beam with sheer delight Not much of an adventure, On the way she’d barely speak. But she’d set her sights on glory As the slimmer of the week. With eager expectation We queued up by the scales Catching surreptitious glances “Has she come off the rails ? “ “Shoes off please and on the scales” Then handing in your book, You felt your pulse start racing When you dared to take a look “Just a half pound gain this week” “But don’t get too despondent “ The lady scribbled in mum’s book, Like a weight gain correspondent. “Have you checked the scales” said Mum “They simply can’t be right ?” “I think they need to be reset Because I didn’t weigh that last night ?” “Are you staying for the chat ?” Said the slimming world consultant “We’ve got some bars for you to try” And mum looked quite exultant “Would you like a raffle ticket ?” I can still picture the scene, When they drew your numbers out And you won an aubergine. “So how’s your week been Linda ? Did you keep track of your syns ? “ “I just had lots of chicken breasts But I didn’t eat the skins “ “Mark - our slimmer of the week ! Share your story with the group” “I just ate Quorn and Quark all week And pints of lentil soup” Mum kept smiling all the time While others told their tales of woe, A Chinese meal that took its toll Or a Hot Dog at the show Brenda stormed out of the room Just looking for attention. “ I’ve not put on 3 pounds” she screamed It’s just water retention “See you all next week” said Sue The hall’s needed by the Vicar Mark, smiling smugly, swaggered out Showing off his latest sticker. On the way back in the car Mum was smiling, full of glee I said “what are you so pleased about? “ She said “ They’re all bigger than me”