To the Boy I Thought I Owed Nothing To
I spent five dollars too many at the gas station.
I thought about the weather.
It was oddly cool for an August evening.
I woke up an hour ago
From a dream that created unnerving parallels between he and
I
We were the same, I suppose.
We hated each other.
But not enough for this.
Hate and miss are synonymous in my head and
I never thought I could hate him this much.
I hated him but
God I never imagined I could miss him this much
Last year she promised me he had left,
but after a pause, she said,
"No, no, he's okay. He's in virtual school now. He's okay."
I never liked crying like this
But I'm stranded in a gas station parking lot
And there are so many empty chairs beside me
I can't help but wonder if
I bought him ice cream he would eat it
In silence, sure.
He would eye me in suspicion, give me a strange look, and
not thank me
But we would sit in company.
Company that would be forced, suffocating,
but together.
Was the sky crying too?
We lost someone we didn't need
But I never thought I would need him now.
I would be content without seeing him
for the rest of my life.
But not like this.
Did Gabe like blueberries?
Maybe not. Maybe he liked blackberries
I hate being that customer but I went in four minutes to close and
drifted through the store, Dizzy with grief I thought I had slept off
I bought mourning blackberries
I forgot how much I didn't like these,
But I bought them impulsively for Gabe.
Grieving fruit.
They were moldy.
I wondered if that was some kind of cruel
irony,
But the only thing I could comprehend was that
Gabe is dead gabe is dead gabe is dead.
He was always laughing.
At someone's expense, but at least he was happy.
I hated that he was always laughing at someone
I hate now that I hated him
Everyone wants to take it all back
But he is in possession of it all now
Maybe I'll be okay with that one day.
I think I let myself be stupid so he could smile from it
But that's not true, only
the ghost of regret in my head.
I never gave you a second thought but
All of a sudden you're the only thing
I hear.
Nobody wants to think about this anymore than I do
And I want to
apologize but I can't
He never did so why should I
If he saw me like this now
How much this is messing me up
He'd say something dumb and snarky and
altogether useless
But at least he knew.
Let him do with that what he will.
Because there's nothing we can do for him now.
Go boy, run for your life.
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