The Diary of An Unknown Entity Aka Possibly Anxiety

It's very time consuming Driving yourself mad But not quite mad enough To commit to the mental torment So trying to balance Very precariously Whilst throwing tiny weights Onto the wrong side of the scale So existing forever in extreme stress About to surf a massive wave Thinking you've never surfed before Or indeed know how to swim Perhaps having created the surfboard out of a bin lid because you take yourself to the brink To test out resourcefulness But the little chink in today's armour Is that you trusted someone Who seemed to control the waves Or perhaps was talking you through surfing techniques Or lent you an actual surf board But there's a chance they made it all up So the waves are real - maybe Did I create them? The need to stand is real - can I do that? There is nothing I can do but face the storm Out in the open With only myself to figure it out But I can't trust myself As I might be the storm creator And I can't trust anyone else If I'm a bad judge of character And a betting person Might chance a bet on there being a wreck "I don't know myself" It isn't the chant that's going to help me survive "I can't trust anyone" Is going to send me under And in these moments before the waves hit I wish I could just change my own mind About what an idiot I am now, am about to be or was If I watch fights play out in public arenas I take it in, imagine my own persecution Imagine how once everyone had a choice And I don't know if that was then or now for me Empathy becomes trapped and transformed into fear, it could be me What if everyone turns on me Why would they? My need for human connection might cause me to drown If I go it alone I might drown If I sit quietly I'll go mad But who cares? If I'm a terrible judge of character I don't know who cares... And if no one cares Then I'm back to drowning But this is self pity So I don't like myself Such awful awful traits Have lead me here To nothing really Because everything is probably fine And the storm is in my head Because I stopped talking about it And I feel ashamed and embarrassed Does this need a label? Does it matter if it gets one? Maybe if the shoe fits... Time means I need to just rock up to the start line I'm not sure if surfing had one As I say, can't remember how the whole thing works Ahh, there's always washing up on shore Being nursed back to health Maybe that's what I've done before Do I keep hitting my head and forgetting? Odds on my next poem will be fine It'll turn out this was a created storm But how am I linked to weather patterns I wish I could trust someone That's the bit that hurt before I banged my head I thought I could