Story of my life

The story of my life . Floating along I let life go on around me . I let things happen to me and dont make things happen for me . I’ve numbed myself with drugs and alcohol for longer than I can remember . My soul hurts from pushing all the pain and suffering to the back of my mind for so so long . I feel like no matter what people couldn’t or wouldn’t understand me if I spoke up Do I not know how to live, how to love, how to be happy ? Am I just to damaged to be a good person anymore, has it gone on for to long . I’m judged, I’m hated, I’m made to feel like I’m not good enough because of addiction . Would it be this way if I had cancer, if I had diabetes ? A disease is a disease . Tell me how terrible I am and how much I’m hurting those around me, it just confirms my horrible opinion of myself . Don’t accept my promises. I’ll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of addiction prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them with all my heart Don’t believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a part of my addiction . The world once was at my feet but opportunities closed and now it's a long climb back. I have young children and if I could lock them away from this world I would do it in a heartbeat . I fear that my children will one day be caught in this world and suffer the pain that I have . The drugs change you more than I can explain, There's no happy ending to a life like this. I wish I had been spared of this life, this pain and this suffering . Sometimes I wish I wasn’t here . I know my actions carry permanent consequences and I have to live with that and know that my actions caused it. I want you to believe that you did not cause my addiction, and neither do you have the power to control or cure it. This that is affecting us all so bad, is bigger than all of us. The best way you can help me is to comprehend your own lack of power over my addictions and accept that your lives too have become unmanageable as a result of it. Having my family consumed by my addiction instead of living their own lives is not ok with me and never will be My greatest fear is that I will never be free, that my family will never be free . I’m scared to put myself through the pain of recovery because The pain of relapse is not something I can go through again . The addictions have robbed me of willpower and stolen my faith in myself . I am suffering pain which you could not imagine . I don’t want to hurt the ones I love, it kills me inside . I question myself all to often . What sort of person am I, how could I cause so much suffering to those I love ? I believe the world wouldn’t miss me, what is there to be missed ? I’m scared, I’m lost, I’m alone . Im trapped inside myself . Can you ever understand what I don’t understand myself . Is this me, am I destined to live this life cycling from clean to addiction . Do I have to keep doing this ? How come me ? Why did I draw this card ? Why ? .