Sister

A friend— not a good one, but a close one; one that I couldn’t let go If I could see you now, I don’t know what I would say… there were always things I didn’t know but I loved you most. Tuesday nights, sometimes Thursday, 7:42 PM The nights I didn’t have to wait you out were the ones that kept me in. 97 minutes “I love you most” I wanted so much to believe it or just to hear it even if I knew the next day I wouldn’t be able to see it. - Tuesday nights, and even Thursdays, 10:42 PM outside my window, I sometimes wondered if that star was only in my head but it was real and it was constant even when I was alone each time you left me when you decided there should be things I couldn’t know. - Three years of silence Shut it down you don’t deserve to be around so make it hurt it can’t get worse the blood will prove if you’re still a person or just a monster Come back around God, put me down don’t make me pull this from the ground I’m already nothing underfed, my form is shrunken on my bed I’ll pour my nothing into you so maybe you can be the things I always said. - Not my sister not my soulmate not my friend, but I was yours the closest one you ever had the only one that always endured everything that you twisted, every time that you lied every time you turned outside everything that was inside. Whenever you would break down, or your car, or whichever, I was always surprised the way I held it together when I was already so broken myself. The bits and pieces I had left, I always gave you everyday Begged you to take them, “Please, hold on” you can have mine, please, just stay. You threw them back and said you dropped them, they just slipped out of your hands left in the ground what’s left of me I don’t know why I ever let you come back around. Except, I do. I know too well the way I’ll care until I die Standing like a broken puzzle as the missing pieces lie somewhere I’m not Air and pain inside the spaces in between a hollow wind that blows throughout this jagged chamber we’ve both come to view as me. I know I’ll never get them back, those parts of me I lost to you I know they weren’t all by your hand, but now those ones I never knew are much more heavy in their absence Amplified by what you stole the peace of mind I never had, but maybe could if I had ever let you go. I don’t know what you think of me, or if you think of me at all If you pretend I don’t exist, as if you weren’t the one that called those years ago Two stories traded, two pains crossed that Friday night yours clung to me as if it knew that it would have a place to land for the rest of time I was always alone, and then I wasn’t but with you I was still in the cold Throughout the sleepless nights I realize there were so many things you didn’t want to know. You don’t deserve the power trauma lets you have The way I’ll starve on your behalf The way I’d bleed to take it back The prison made of glass. You shrink the space I occupy On every mouth I see a lie On every face I see the pain I tried to leave behind I walked away and took your shadow it attached itself to me I hope that mine still walks behind you so that you see it every time you try to leave. You painted me a number once and it became my definition I think we both deserve to know that you are long past 70x7. - The portrait of trust I started young, without believing it was true, with you as the muse and then the fire that lit the fuse and burned the canvas to the ground. I like to think you wouldn’t recognize the person I’ve become The one incased inside the structure that was built when I was young… I shattered it, no thanks to you, but one thing is still the same since we met: Sometimes, I can’t decide whether I wish I never met you or if I wish I never left. - Maybe someday, I’ll fill a book with things you thought I didn’t know I knew your eyes and all your words that echoed lies to where I stood the borderline that kept us both against the edge I was the one you always claimed, sister, the one you weren’t to me And so I let them settle in my soul, stories, the ones my mind would never have believed. And even now, I still can’t doubt that I would do the same again But I know the next time I save your life would be the last. I won’t survive. So, don’t give me the chance.