Silent Thoughts

Right here and there I never wanted to be alive This living thing traps my emotions Turning them into devotion I can never tell If this is really what I planned for Or something that everyone wants out of me Expectations hourly for productivity How the flip am I supposed to do With all of this pressure to live I clearly can’t pretend to be happy I’m in deep sheets of pits I’m struggling daily to breath as I’m hoping one day I’ll stop breathing I’m suffocating my body daily Just for it to just die I’d walk into the busiest roads just to be hit by a car Nothing happens they just turn to be concerned I’d hang myself with different ropes Nothing happens I just keep on falling I think it’s the weight whatever it doesn’t work I’d drink all kinds of pills I could find in this house Nothing happens they turn to just clean my tummy I’d cut myself while I’m taking a bath Nothing happens because someone wants to take a dump Now they knock to annoy me and walk in I’d walk at night scouting for danger even if I’m stabbed or whatever I’d make sure that I’m attracting strangers And guess what Instead of stranger danger it becomes a stranger friend/motivator/healer/prophet/preacher I’d sleep take what is called a mini “Nap” I swear I try by all means not to be awake I’ll be leading my soul to leave my body Trying by all means to walk in any gates that leads To death Entertaining any spirit out there Just for it to take over my body Because wow my life Is based on true story horrors It’s so horrific for me to even Ask to die I can’t keep in touch I know this all sounds like a suicidal mentality I’m tired being monitored to be alive Tormenting this little heart that’s filled with scrap It’s like I have a mini panel beater inside Just to help my heart beat When reality kicks in I never wanted to be Here at the first place I never asked to be awake I never asked to be alive Ashleigh Ngoqo