Sidewalk Chemist

I test the gum And the scum That came from So many feet Scrape the blood And the crud Between mud Smooshed on concrete I sample spit Ample birds*** All with a flick Of the wrist Coz I’m your local Wearing bifocal Antisocial Sidewalk chemist I run a lab And own a lab Called Ahab And when we walk I grab a glut Of cigarette butts Ahab sniffs mutts We rarely talk I test the muck Assay green yuck Prod black guck With tender care Then it’s all tagged Labeled and bagged But I can’t drag It to a fair Data is sorted Then transported Where it’s reported By sidewalk chemist But the town hall Says I have some gall With my folderol And I’m promptly dismissed I’ve paid my dues Been on the news With great reviews Now for an encore I’ve been promoted To test the foetid And sweaty coated Men’s locker room floor