Shame

Proverbs 16:18 (KJV) “Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.” I’ve been ashamed, Ashamed of my lack of understanding, My lack of consideration, My lack of care and concern, My lack of admiration. I’ve been ashamed, Ashamed of the way I acted… When things didn’t go the way I planned, When I just couldn’t let go of the past, When, despite my faith, I couldn’t feel the grace, When the tears and the fears… Wouldn’t go away, no matter how I prayed, No matter how I prayed… I’ve been ashamed, Ashamed of my struggle with doubt, It can feel like I’ll never know how… To love beyond my grief, beyond the dark That feeds my heart and soul with its silhouettes, Shadows of sorrow and disgrace, Gloomy memories of all the reasons I thought I could, but realized – no matter how I tried… I just couldn’t. No – I couldn’t! I’ve been ashamed, Ashamed of tears that fell quietly, Even as I denied them – even as I tried to silence them… They refused my need to be cheery and glad – Instead, reminding me that – despite being sad, I would always be inspired by the dewlike softness, Felt by the flow of yearnings, My heart slowly burning. I’ve been ashamed, Ashamed of my self-centeredness, The way that I could imitate the degenerate, The wildness that could deceive me, Foolishness that was outrageously asinine, Bizarre and eccentric, like the suspicion who seeks me. I’ve been ashamed, Ashamed of the memories that stick, Showing me, most assuredly, I could easily sink Beneath the quiet waters, so dark, so murky, so deep Waters that reveal, in me, the feelings… Depression, despair – grief that isn’t complete, Without the dusky dread that feeds my doom, Assuring me that I’ll never be understood, Revealing to me, the insanity who clouds my mind… From all the panic that I’ve withstood. I’ve been ashamed, Shamed by the poverty that makes me weak, Shamed by the novice way that I can’t always speak… Saying what it is that makes me – me… What it is that makes me see past the ache, Into those places where my heart will break, Into the places where my heart will break. I’ve been ashamed, Yes, I’ve known disgrace, degradation, dishonor, A lack of faith in what God is doing… His ability to paint me into the picture, A life that means something, a life that is filled… With hope and kindness, joy that will lead me out…. Away from the sorrow, into the love for tomorrow, Into the love that comes to life inside the one who hears, His light glistening like the wind’s urgent gust, Just like the wind’s pressing need – to whisper its fire, its peace. I’ve been ashamed, But I’ll never see the need to plead… For the pride that could have swelled in me, Pride that I’ll forever leave, humiliated and chastened, By the humble truth – love is alive, love in the making… Erasing my pride with the assurance that, despite my shame, There is shame that will conquer the vanity, Shame that does away with the arrogance, Shame that defeats the conceit – and this is a shame, Shame that I know grows strength within me, Strength and wisdom that remind me – there is a dignity… That comes from believing the One who died so I could know… The answer to my shame abides in His grace, His astounding grace, Grace that lifts my eyes to the greatness of love that mortifies shame Love that continues to free me to be – the me He intended me to be!