Self Destructive Wickedness Arrested, Convicted, and Gaoled

Self destructive wickedness arrested, convicted, and gaoled...

with kidnapping little boy 
ordered to suffer
life sentence without parole.

The deadly scourge of  
one obsessive/compulsive disorder
nearly left me starving to death.

Anorexia nervosa absent bulimia 
nadir of onset 
diagnoses schizoid personality disorder 
severe social anxiety still legion I aire
behavior which agonizingly 
elicited slow suicide 
courtesy self starvation 
maelstrom within psyche of self 
as prepubescent lad
(particularly devastated  
immediate family members)
as emaciation pitted existential 
revulsion from unseen 

wuthering heights
betook courtesy yours truly 
teased, hectored, and called “professor,”
when riding the school bus
nearly wrung death knell
annihilating fragile entity 
christened Matthew Scott Harris
with peremptory imprimatur 
yielding covalent bond to life
readily obvious to kith and kin
via zorro like signature per 
profound perilous depressive 
psychological state.

Now - at about 
three decades plus six years 
from attaining rank of centenarian
perfect 20/20 hindsight
offers supreme advantage from 
swift current near drowning 
alluded earlier when das scribe 
juiced thwarted leapfrogging 
from pollywog tad metamorphosed 
to witness puberty,
whence devastating emotional 
crisis tripped, trilled, 

and tricked aborted 
natural healthy development 
chronological denouement demise 
jump/kick started
theorizing  numerous educated guesses 
within mind of
middle progeny and sole sol
(of the both late father and mother 
Boyce and Harriet Harris) respectively
why he willfully hurtled his flesh 
at light speed 
down the abyss toward death.

Literal and physical lightness of being
manifested within nooks and crannies
prior to full blown symptoms
to eliminate sustenance
drawing the curtain on brief residence
way before high noon of life.
  
Metamorphosis from boyhood
kindled burning man
found solace in attempting 
to keep at bay of pigs hijacked
natural cycle, which seminal
transformation grieved me
to pine for nostalgic childhood’s end 
(albeit one fraught with romanticism)
vengefully interpreted attempt
to halt dead in the tracks 
intervention of mother,
whose nursing experience helped 
fend off passive attempt
to promulgate passive 
silent plan to fruition.

She whipped various nutritious 
concoctions in the blender
to ensure minimal essentials to this, 
I readily admit) famished body
in conjunction with applying 
vital supplements into 
one or the other skeletal 
gluteus maximus
thru fuel injection,
which submissiveness to acquiesce, 
and bare bony buttocks

to receive iron injections
did absolutely nothing 
to squelch death wish.
I inexorably did buzzfeed 
hashtagged eating disorder 
to go on a deadly hunger strike,
which essentially constituted 
declaration of independent control
despite horrendous craving 
for food jabbed innards like a pike
bifurcated psychic division 

to live ousted coeval death wish goal
to seize yore reminiscent  
blissful, (albeit fictional) childhood 
over flooded self made damned dike
engaging, engendering, engineering 
propensity to catapult yours truly
into abysmal emotional hole
and way before the invention 
of Facebook, I mentally clicked like
to surrender mailer daemons all 
of me healthy development stole.

Imprimatur indelibly etched decades 
after bout with passive exit from life
crimp on psycho/social skills plus 
stunted physical growth cuts like a knife
affecting mental health with panic attacks 
and anxiety although existence
considerably less riddled qua 
debilitating symptoms 
(such as vertigo, racing heart, 
profuse sweating, nausea, irritable bowels)

relying on the following prescription medications: 
BUSPIRONE HCL 15 MG TABLET
CLOMIPRAMINE 50 MG CAPSULE
CLONAZEPAM 0.5 MG TABLET
FLUOXETINE HCL 40 MG CAPSULE
GLYCOPYRROLATE 2 MG TABLET
PRAZOSIN 1 MG CAPSULE
PRAZOSIN 5 MG CAPSULE
RISPIRIDONE 1 MG TABLET
ROPINIROLE HCL 1 MG TABLET.

To add insult to injury
yours truly also gifted
courtesy split uvula
but did little to ameliorate 
the writer of these words
suffering brickbats as scape goat,
whereby severe adenoidal vocalizations 
allowed, enabled, and provided
an easy target viz black barbs
poised to strike, hurled, 
and bullied me by peers.

Up until I entered six grade 
(at Henry Kline elementary -
a one classroom per grade school)
classmates bullied, derided, 
and feigned to hammer -
jabbing leering, nasty pimping ragout as a rule
which boyhood self of mine availed 
a perfect bullseye target
with combination of diminutiveness, 
being painfully quiet,

essentially remaining mum the entire day
except when called upon 
to answer question
thence utterance emanating between lips
produced and emitted 
a strong nasal sound to boot
grist for the mill 
sans malice meted, mimicked, 
and mocked mashup 
of mine warped congestion
ah, twas only by a fluke conversation, 

whence speech pathologist
informed my parents about 
The Lancaster cleft palate clinic,
where oral an examination 
revealed minor birth defect
identified as a submucous cleft palate,
which explained the severe pinched twang
somewhat mitigated by wearing 
a removable prosthetic
fastened with clasps to upper teeth

whereby a makeshift miniature 
plastic protuberance closed the gap
(at the expense of practically gagging me)
so air would be prevented 
passing thru my button nose,
and thus gentle and soft as a shutterfly 
shunted air out oral opening
though congenital defect disallowed 
returning merchandise back to sender
nor could blame be affixed 

at either father nor mother
who both harbored the genetic mutation 
now such admissions 
re: aforementioned impediment allows, 
enables and provides boasting rights
if in a mood temper 
any curiosity or satisfying a rumor 
whispered down the alley
whence I said “ah” 
left nagging nincompoops 
as if pie hole filled with a gobstopper.

Copyright © Matthew Harris | Year Posted 2023

Please Login to post a comment