Recounting Wounding Costs

I know what it costs to parent a tyrant 24/7 52 weeks/year and yet avoid judging, feeling guilty, self-blaming shame for all I am not sufficient, yet. I remember learning curious distinctions between genuine remorse given, when LeftBrain verbally requested, yet without RightBrain capacity to feel even the least caring difference between natural brown girl and spiritual white light shame Self blame for why that dinnerplate smashed so frighteningly against my dining wall as if my fault my adopted child's sense of dad-adapting ownership, or even complexly confusing bipolar mixed temporal-historical management messages about imaginary aggressive causes predicting unprecedented economic and political family "out of the blue behavior," random effects, effectively nurturing attention, non-neglect, more brown person privileged Lack of win/win communication not always transparently verbalize-disabled and vulnerably, verbally examined much less non-violently communionated. Not until I 24/7 learned such great sociopathic lose/lose unfortunate chronic mental health events are non-violently but impatiently stressed, restrained perhaps with short-term shunning and close the safe-space door temporarily dissociating-- no win/win co-adoptions of dad-adapting co-empathic nonverbal behavior accessible right leftbrain autonomously here and rightbrain interdependent win/win now Sending myself to my own private room to re-imagine win/win multicultural remediations, and positive psychology ecology neurological system restoring dreams of Paradise Not NonZero Souled Green new deal rapturously global Peace climaxing during my own aging green health inhaled and re-inhaled exhaling peronal EarthWealth for feeding more resilient green summer leaves Restoring as Recommitting solidarity as rebreathing solitude reweaving Recreating redeeming regenerating re-ligioning re-connecting re-storing re-integrating EarthGreenPeace organically healthy medication meditations win/win Earth compassion practices of good faith health system restorations A little lighter thought and more empowering feeling active movement practicing and even miming felt co-empathic needs eco-politically green cooperative polypathic EarthTribe Justice, multiculturally polyphonic non-verbal Language not not double-positive co-binary By pretending I am sociopathic her 10-year-old gay white male EarthMother doing the best s/he patriarchally privileged can campily dipolar Both/And re-enacting what it might feel like for the not so gayly old white mashed patriarchally provisioned potatoes to hit the battered ungrateful wall clearly devoid of proper heterosexual aggressively dominant appreciation for warm buttery white unskinned Smash! against the senseless floor, wounded mashed bashed smashed in a fetal curled up defensive mess, writhing and theatrically moaning, one eye on the microphonic monopolistic Voice of NonChoice and the other on the bicameral rediscernment Until she smiles. Demands I rise again, right here, left together co-present now ZeroSum terrified morally unsafe reverse transitioned so she can hug my steady white grand dad neck, kiss my hope in "side with me, too" and smarm my win/win resiliently hopeful forehead, leaving her actively curious mark on her brown-skin unmasked safe and healthy communal territory, Organic ego-gardening green deeding dad, cooperative as win/win healthy wealthy democratic Paradise Which comes out leftbrain verbally, "Can I maul your head?" also might mean, post critical non-cooperative climate event, "Could we together head toward the mall, and co-invest in accessories? Maybe makeup, soon? not soon enough? which could only be rightHere/leftNow A hair salon? Something actually important to a real brown-skinned bipolar egofeminist first person sometimes critically living in a reversed effects before narcissistic causes world win/lose zero-sum bottoms up redhot angry trapped wounded child view.