Might As Well Be

I know that I’m not dead, but I might as well be, I live in an altered reality where I’m still the me I used to be Here I sit beside of me talking to myself, asking the same old questions that we both know the answers to all too well As I look into my own haunted eyes staring back at me, I delve deep into their grayness trying to see what he saw in me Yes, she/I am beautiful at least I used to be, now I look at the girl sitting here broken staring right back at me Her skin is so gray like there is no life left inside, and her cheeks they’re stained with tears that she/I once cried I reach out to hold my own hand and I feel the trembling within my grasp, “What am I afraid of?” I’m too scared to ask So, I hold my own hand and I read my own mind, and there I know the reason for the uncertainty, the trembling, the why I am so afraid to be touched even by my own self, I am scared that I will break in two and there will be nothing of me left But I know that to move on, to get back to my reality, I must read to myself my own handwritten eulogy And so, I take a breath and I start to speak, I conjure up all the emotion that I can, that I have left inside of me I look into my own eyes, and I say, “First of all I’m sorry I never meant for you to be treated that way” “I’m sorry that I lost touch with the little girl within, the one who tried to warn me that I was playing a game I could never win” “I wish for you I could have been stronger that I would’ve turned away, I wish that I had never listened to his beautiful words and believed that all would be okay” “I’m sorry that I gave you hope that I opened up the deepest parts of us, all because I longed and yearned to feel his incredible touch” “I’m sorry that I loved him and believed in every lie he told, I wish that I would have listened to you then instead of turning cold” “I’m sorry I believed in the fairytale, in the promises that he told to me, knowing deep within our soul this would never truly be” “I’m sorry that I thought I found our forever there in his eyes, and I wish that I could go back and take back the time given to him and unmask his disguise” “Please just let me hold your withered, tired body as you release all of the pain within, and I promise to you, things will be different from here on out there will be no more playing pretend” “We can leave this altered reality where we have to play make believe just to get through the day, and we can dig our way out of this pain, this decaying grave” “We can venture back to real life, and we can start anew, and I promise you that if you take care of me, I will forever take care of you”