In These I Feel . . .

I worked today and I didn’t think about you at all I was happy when I came home Ha! Home that’s a joke isn’t it, yeah . . . I’ve never been home, never been, for never had! So you weren’t there, you weren’t anywhere today! Just tonight haunting my poems all over again! I hate it I hate it I can’t rip you from my soul!!! And what if I could If I could would I be better off!!? Well would I be better off without this feeling in my heart In the lightest reaches of my conscious mind that I know now What home feels like Because I have felt your arms around me, felt your breath across my neck Felt your eyes fall over my skin, touch in whispers my soul through and through Listened to your breath that sighed silently in my ear under the stars Because I felt you feeling at home in my arms too My wandering mind that courses across the sea of sorrows deep and run fast Lost in the waves and tides swamped all again in dreams of you Crying out in the waters all around me as I sink once more beneath the waves Falling down, down into the darkness of despair because I can still smell your hair Feel it through my fingers when it shimmered softly in the lamplight I want to scream and rip out my eyes so that I may not see your smile Which warms me in the coldest of nights when I lay naked in the snows hoping Praying, begging God to take me away, take me away take me, take me . . . too Welcome me home into your arms again, oh I wish and I yearn But God doesn’t listen to me in these nights no, no God ignores my pleas I close my eyes and I bite my lips to blooding I smash my fist across the ground to watch through tears as my knuckles break I break my mind across this tiled out floor and smack it soundlessly on the wall Because it is easier, this kind of pain is bearable it is, it is, it is Unspeakably kinder than the wretched agony of living all over once more without Never more, never more, never more will these hands hold Never again, never once, never ever . . . will these arms feel I worked this morning and I didn’t feel a thing I worked this afternoon, this evening and tonight I remembered why I remembered when I remembered how I remembered Remembered Again God . . . you broke my heart forever when you . . . It’s been a year, a lifetime and then another and another and still, still . . . Since you’ve gone, since you tore . . . and I’m still here . . .