I Wait

How is it possible to feel so much and be so very numb at the same time? How am I supposed to be able to trust When each time that I think I am safe I am shown again how little I am worth,. I feel small and numb. Cold and resentful. and thunderous and indignant- There is a tornado of emotions in my heart and a blizzard of thoughts in my head. My soul feels shattered, again. I'm tired of rebuilding my heart, and stitching together the pieces of my soul with hope. What I thought was an everlasting supply of hope and trust and faith has run out The empty fumes waft up and remind me of the person I used to be. Years ago Before the destruction of what used to make me shine. Resentment, anger and paranoia cloud my once clear mind. I am turning in circles, trying to find, a way out of this fog of lethargy caused by the infection in my light The shadow of doubt in my eyes the longing for something long gone- tarnished. warped. disturbed. I feel unreal- like a cardboard character in a badly written novel. With a vague plot, full of heartbreak and rage. I take all that I feel, all i wish wasn't real- and try and cram it into a black box- in the corner of my heart- the Box that casts the shadow that lurks in my eyes- the window to my soul- tainted, shattered. held together by the thin strands of my heart stretched to their breaking point. I cant shove it all in. the Shadow Box is full. so the poison leaks into my soul. The acid carves cracks in my heart. I use my rage to seal my lips- Closed. Instead of screaming my pain. I shred my emotions pulverize them into a putty Use them to patch the parts of my soul not tethered to my heart. I wait until night falls so I can dream of what I will never have. When night falls you cannot see the tears that stain my pillow case or the wildness in my eyes. I wait.