Emotional Disability

Being emotionally disabled can be very embarrassing at times many people just don't understand why you can't stop crying my young children said my mom has the crying disease I wasn't always disabled nor did I want to be I didn't always except it either it took a while of suffering actually afraid to leave my home severe anxiety panting panic attacks I didn't know why until October 31st 1999 at work a table fell on my foot sound was trapped in a bubble I began to hear very loud heartbeats coming from my belly i was diagnosed with PTSD depressive disorder anxiety disorder panic attacks severe depression unaware this was just the beginning of my disability hearing my fetus heartbeat was the guilt of wearing wires pregnant for the fbi buying weapons and drugs all those years in bondage of the fact my ex husbands actually did work for ciro gargano settings blazes that resulted in 9 people dying for years I woke up smelling smoke hearing screens reliving fbi questioned what do you know about arson I never heard that word before fire the abuse I suffered my ex trying to silence me with beatings my wearing the wires was supposed to save my life my children lives as time went on I remembered more only writing in a journal never speaking suffering depression anxiety disorder fear of leaving the house the worse hearing my fetus heartbeat pounding louder than sirens at anyrate Chaplin services and eeoc disability rights took good care of me desperate going to grocery stores I had to write every serial number on the bills looking for threats hidden messages on the bills this behavior stemmed from my wearing wires pregnant buying weapons and drugs the irs fbi marking the monies then I'd cry in front of the cashiers embarrassing i felt so awkward finally time to cross the street I froze afraid to cross the street I would walk miles around out of the way to get home I could only walk down one direction no sudden changes to get to church some people noticed I was different and I hated that what if I had another panic attack in public so I was held hostage by my on mental illness I am grateful today veteran crisis chatine saved me from walking in front of a bus I just didn’t want to live this way or be a burden so I wanted to die end this brutal disease why can't I be normal I was sure pretty enough I believe the fbi agents were ashamed of my illness perhaps they expected me to come out of those hostage situations alive unharmed but I was the biggest casualty I was broken I could still smell smoke I could still smell the breath of the killers decades later panting crying weeping today I have the best care and medication management I'm no longer ashamed of my disabilities nearly three decades now physical disabilities are more excepted however being emotionally crippled you feel alone isolated I have peace now and I want to live I embrace my disabilities ANXIETY DISORDER PANIC DISORDER DEPRESSIVE DISORDER TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY NARCOLEPSY DAYTIME SLEEP APNEA THESE ARE ALL CRIPPLING I'M BROKEN AN YET I STILL WRITE EVERYDAY JOURNALING SAVED MY LIFE IT'S APART OF MY OWN MENTAL HEALTHCARE I'M NOT A SPECIAL AGENT BUT I'M JUST SPECIAL I WORE WIRES PREGNANT BUYING WEAPONS AND DRUGS FOR THE FBI FROM CORRUPT KILLERS WHO WANTS ME DEAD TODAY WHO BLEW UO MY FACE WITH A BOMB AND EMBEZZLED THE INSURANCE MONIES TO FUND CIRO GARGANO CORRUPTION AND RETIRED HITMEN INCLUDING SPECIAL AGENT ALAN KING THE FIXER OF ARSON MURDERS OF 9 HELPLESS DISABLED PERSONS LIKE ME THESE KILLERS EVEN WENT AFTER MY AMERICAN POETRY TO MARKET MY PAIN AND SUFFERING I BELEIVE I BECAME HIS ONLY SURVIVING VICTIM TODAY I EMBRACE MY ILLNESSES THIS IS MY JOURNEY THE CRYING DISEASE AMOUNG ALL THEE OTHERS AND I SM BLESSED I AM SOMEBODY I AM AMERICAN SURVIVOR OF BEING A CONFIDENTIAL HUMAN SOURCE SURVIVOR OF ARSON MURDER OF 9 SURVIVOR SEVERAL ATTACKS ON MY LIFE SURVIVOR OF A CAR BOMB IGNITING MY SKULL SURVIVOR OF SEVERE EMOTIONAL SCARS SURVIVOR OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SURVIVOR OF WEARING WIRES PREGNANT BUYING WEAPONS AND DRUGS FROM CORRUPT KILLERS FOR THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION I AM UNASHAMED I AM AN AMERICAN POET I AM A HUMAN BEING I AM BLESSED MY PRAYERS ARE WITH ANYONE WHO SUFFERS MENTAL EMOTIONAL ILLNESS STAYING ON YOUR MEDICATION IS VERY IMPORTANT THERE ARE CRUEL PERSONS WHO WOULD ACTUALLY TRY AND INTERFERE WITH MENTAL HEALTH TREATMENT DON'T GIVE UP MANY CHURCHES CLERGY CAN ASSIST WITH MENTAL HEALTHCARE I'VE BEEN RECEIVING MEDICATION MANAGEMENT SINCE 2000 THIS IS 2024 I THANK GOD FOR MY SUPPORT GROUP I AM SO VERY BLESSED THANK YOU THANK YOU GOD FOR HELPING ME STAND FIRM FACING CORRUPTION TRYING TO HINDER MY MENTAL HEALTHCARE WHAT A CRUEL CRIME AGAINST DISABLED PERSONS IN AMERICA