Do I Need That

A funny thing happened this evening My littlest daughter sat too far back on the toilet, slipped in and was stuck (Have we all been there? I remember my experience well...) She found it hilarious and shouted for everyone to come and see There she was wedged in, laughing away and we'd all come out from whatever corner of the house we were in to see (Including the dog, who was wagging his tail and running about caught up in the joy and excitement of it all) And I just loved the moment... I asked him to take a couple of pictures as my little girls laughed and laughed and the dog ran about and I then quickly rescued her and balanced her back on the edge I was glad no body missed it, because we'll say 'remember the day...' forever And I'm thinking, surely I can put myself aside for moments like these, nobody has to cry if I can just endure at best a marriage where he's checking his cue cards to ensure he's saying the right things At worst casting looks of disapproval at me day after day, trying to derail plans I have to spend time with friends (but not stop me, just bombard me with reasons I shouldn't go and criticise and put me ill at ease), ignore me for days at a time for petty things, undermine my identity, prevent me from elaborating with detail when conversing and insist I make it concise, do nice things frequently as long as they are done efficiently on a tick list with a plan, sit alone every day, save my jokes for outside my home, not feel home, just disapproved, not useful and a time waster... That was helpful I'm suddenly put in mind of Thomas the Tank Engine and the joy they get for being useful little engines, I was glad when my oldest daughter said it was boring and let's never watch it again about 8 years ago - I didn't like anything about the compliance I'm useful but I don't want a controller dictating my value to society or my family My value has suddenly gone up but that wouldn't last The moment was lovely and I want a forever of times like that where we all are a family I'll let time pass for now, things will get clear on their own For all the times I've felt talking it through was the answer, it's not right now It's watching and waiting to see who I am and for him to present his real views once this cycle of efforts to change my mind reaches its end I can't deny the lightness in my step, the joy I'm experiencing seeing how people smile when I'm advising them (work) It's 4am - there's footsteps on the landing and my heart sank as I imagined explaining why I'm on my phone They've gone the other direction But then I flit to times when I had babies and sometimes (only sometimes) he'd join me in the middle of the night to soothe a baby or watch TV until tiredness returned and that was beautiful (I mean soundbite wise I can counter it quite quickly with another memory but that's not why we're thinking this through) This isn't the day for decisions (It is however the day for getting picked up by my friend at 5pm, drinking cocktails and being at an 80s disco) Usually there would have been 3 days of reasons why I shouldn't go by now or just general edginess, whilst there I'd get messages about disarray I've left behind or how difficult everyone was being and how the dog has suffered without a walk due to my actions and I'd say something to smooth it over I'm back thinking about Thomas the Tank again What about when they get in a mess because they haven't made a plan but they let the controller know and he sorts it out... Do I need that or do I just think I do?