Beastly Appetites (Repost In Original Dialect)

Well, 'e sidled up the sofa, and he snuggled up right close… I said, “Now, watch it, Charlie, you’ll get ***-ash on me toast!” 'E said, “D’you think…?” I said, “Not much…” 'e said, “No, well, I mean…” I said, “You what…?” 'E said, “You know…” I said, “Now, keep it clean!” Well, he snuck his arm around me, an' I thought, “WOW! This is IT!”… Then he suddenly pinched me cherry, an' he gave it a dribbly lick! I yelled, “Gerroff…!” 'E said, “Come on, I 'aven’t 'ad it yet…” I said, “You do, I’ll chuck yer out!” 'E leered, “D’yer wanna bet?” WELL… I snatched it out of his fingers, an' I put it back in place. 'E sighed, “Ahh, don’t it look lovely…” OOH! I could’ve slapped 'is face! 'E said, “that the time? I’ll 'ave ter go…” I said, “What’s up with you?” He said, “Yer know…” I said, “I don’t!” … Then 'e went, - and IT went, too! WELL!!!! I thought he wanted my body, and a night of illicit fun… But all he was really after was… The cherry off my BUN!!!! This is in the style of the old-time comedian's monologue. I particularly thought of Les Dawson, but we all remember a favourite. In Northern English dialect, all small cakes are called buns ...