Backwards Spells of FEAR Part I

so easy to fall, and so hard to break free somehow as a child I knew it was as if they knew my name before I had a clue at 10 reading books about orphans free from the church the dignity of evil nuns silently brought the battle of addiction began without meaning images crept into my head at ten child orphans hooked on opiates living on the street homeless but somehow free my time as a child skipped over teen experimentation no social life and straight into motherhood the first time I ran from myself 9 months of being a teen happy, unknowing thrown straight into postpartum trauma with a child of an older man who knew everything gaslight dreams flickering fading with every press morphine drip, and 3 months asleep surgical birth I didn't hear her cries asleep she was taken my ship was sinking bonds breaking silence anger grew like a cancer hurricane spiraling within my fist at the end of the funnel ready to blow a target in the darkness floating on hope circled by the unseen voices whispering my doom seven years of a precious life lost to me “end it all” “leave it all behind” ashamed, grasping at threads death refused to take me shouting “fight with patience” through the thick the echoes lightyears away from my ears 20 years locked up as grown child mentally fatigued 10 more years locked up in the standards of what society calls marriage an adult thing to do pleading for help from grandmother's psychology degree with the words “keep your mouth shut for your daughter's sake, she needs both her parents” I ran a 2nd time chained to my abusers demon bound chasing with overbearing shouts 30 missed calls in a row shaming me, nothing was ever the right thing couldn't have me, so stole all that they could and the only child I ever held 10 years of tears angry and depressed hating every new day afraid of happiness dreaming of death unable to save my child from barely escaping repeated suicide attempts kept away stayed away threatened by his constant demanding civil servants to tell me no one could help without a proper court installed judgment hellraiser dug the chains in deep waiting for me to succeed to the pain that kept my nervous system alight with fire Frankii <3 Fame 5-8-2024 1:11 am