Artie Chokes Three For a Dollar

Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son? He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done! The woman I married has turned into a nag What I wouldn't give to be rid of that hag Cheer up my friend, I have what you need I know of a man willing to do such a deed Artie's his name, a factory blue collar He enjoys his hobby, charging only a dollar Introducing himself, he sat on a stool Please dear sir, don't think me a fool I need your help, if you're willing and able Sliding his wife's picture across the bar table The love we once shared is impossible to find Everything she does drives peace from my mind For a dollar Artie agreed to get rid of his mate She shops Farmer's Mart tomorrow, precisely at eight The very next morning she parked the front aisle Artie gazed at her picture, then waited awhile He stalked her while shopping the produce section The near-empty store posed slight risk of detection With a look to his left, and a quick glance to his right He crept, then he leapt, choking with all of his might She swooned and she swayed, crumpling to the floor Artie mused to himself: Attention! Cleanup, aisle four A stock boy rounded the corner, witnessing the mess Artie likewise dispatched him, in a minute, or less A customer screamed, seeing this deed, dark and vile With hands around her throat, he added her to the pile The manager called the cops, who put Artie in jail There, he awaited trial, unable to post bail The following day's headlines gave readers a start: "Artie chokes three for a dollar, at local Farmer's Mart"