100 fears

100 fears - but still OK Will you accept me When I admit that I am afraid of dying, Or inappropriately laughing, Or suddenly crying. And then there is the Fear of my emotional pain, Of my rage When it suddenly appears Every now and again. Fear of becoming older, getting slower, And my virility And libido becoming even lower. Fear of hair growing In embarrassing places Fear of not remembering the names Of familiar faces. Fear of losing, fear of giving, Fear of not having enough Of living With always wanting more, Fear of being filthy rich, Or being homeless and poor. Fear of being fired by the boss Who always DEMANDS more. Fear of people that I don’t know Fear of loneliness. Of success, failure And nowhere to go. Fear of feeling lost, Or being stuck alone at home Fear of being called useless and soft. Fear of no messages On my mobile phone. Fear of the coach not calling my name, Fear of not understanding the rules Or even the game. Fear of my ego If I’m second best in the class, Fear of being the one Who always comes last. Fear of making mistakes And not being perfect Or simply not having what takes. Fear of being too direct And not seeing the signs In peoples expressions, Fear of not finding lines That don’t flow or rhyme. Fear of standing still, Of real transformation and change Will people accept me, Or think I am weird and strange? Fear of being the one Who always arrives late, Fear of my chattering mind If I have to wait and wait. Fear of not being heard or seen, Fear of people Who are pushy and mean. Fear of what you really think And being criticised Fear of being yelled at And ostracised. Fear of following my heart. And speaking my truth Fear of being a just part Of things bigger than my head. Fear of breaking down, feeling, dead And falling apart. Fear of being the one who doesn’t understand Fear of being misunderstood, Being called weak and not a real man. Fear of being just the person From a foreign land. Fear of being too much Or not enough, Fear of being too vulnerable Or gross and tough. Fear of being the only one Who really cares, or being told That I’m not really here But somewhere over there. Fear of being needy And insensitive and greedy. Fear of being forced To do things I don’t want to do Because I knew You would always say That I’m not ok. Fear of you leaving And not knowing what to do if you stay. Fear of being embarrassingly intense Or manipulative, superficial Or causing offence. Fear of being stupid, Fear of being clever, Fear of being labelled As selfish and bad, Or even too good… Fear of your displeasure, I think I’m going mad. Fear of being ugly and thin, Fear of being too tall, small or fat. Fear of the moments when I stutter And don’t know what to do, And deeply afraid of the judgments That may just come from you. And finally It all comes down to one single thing Whatever I think, do or say: My fear of not being ok. And can someone please explain Why I have to play this fear game Endlessly again and again? Why is it not ok for me to be ok What if. just for today, I play A different game And completely accept That I am ok Right now, as I am? Sangeet Portals 2024