The Lucky Star
“I need to have one more chance. “
“Sorry, Madam, but you just don’t fit in.”
It is a straight, clear and simple answer she got used to hearing it. But still, she felt rejected and underestimated.
“It is harsh, lifeless and inhuman. Looking straight into your eyes and throwing cold and negative words at your face. It is bitter than having a slap on the face!”
She would talk to herself angrily. She was mad at herself because she simply and painfully “does not fit in!”
Anger was flowing into her, wiping out her energy, her ambition and her drive. Now, rage was overtaking her little by little. She was unable to stand this situation anymore. She was that kind of person who lived to herself. She did not have a rock of her own to stand by her and make her build more strength and more self-confidence.
Time was slipping away from her. she did not notice or perhaps she did not have much time to consider what was escaping from her. Time, youth, days of her life were running out like sand from the palm of her own hands.
She did not lack determination neither did she believe in dependency. Her life was a constant battle over unaccomplished dreams. She was never close to anyone. Maybe she feared to get negative answers and then would feel embarrassed.
“Mum, please tell me, what is wrong with me? why can’t I make it?”
“Am I that stupid?”
“Oh sweetheart, don’t say that. You are a good and smart person. You’ll do it, just don’t give up.” Her mother replied in an affectionate but shaking voice.
“But mum, you know, I start feeling hopeless and frustrated.”
“I’m sorry, mum, I betrayed your expectations. I didn’t mean that…” She clung to her mother trying to bury her sobs and wipe her tears.
“You are my girl. You have never disappointed me. Just keep on believing in yourself and you’ll make it.”
“Go upstairs and have a shower. It will wash out your gloomy mood and get you ready for a brighter day.”
The next day, she was standing at the bus station ready to go through the rituals of her daily journey when she was taken back by a loud scream of brakes then a voice calling her. She stepped forward and saw someone waving to her.
“Where are you going? Come, I’ll give you a lift.”
“Oh my God, I didn’t recognize you. We haven’t seen each other since graduation.”
“But I did recognize you from the first sight. You haven’t changed.” said her friend.
“You have that same brooding look, the same hair style, the same…”
“Well, you haven’t changed, either. You have that same mean smile, that same freak look…”
“Come on naughty girl, you don’t stop frightening away your friends with your harsh words and negative feelings… that’s so like you.”
The two girls did not put an end to their conversation. They kept on talking about past events and old memories. Her friend was brightening with emotions and shining with laughter. But she barely could keep pace with her friend’s animated mood.
Both friends tried to know more about what happened to each other during the last few years.
She did not have much to say to her friend. She could sum up what she recently lived into a few words. She was not one of the fans of much talk. She always considered too much talk a waste of energy and a loss of self-esteem. Unlike her, her friend had a lot of things to say and recount. She kept on listening to her talkative friend. She tried not to show any colour or emotion on her face because what she was listening to would colour any human face and touch any human heart.
She had always tried hard not to let negative emotions creep inside her and find a room somewhere into her mind or body. She had always hated the idea of putting herself with others on a scale. But there were things that would sometimes get beyond her and take advantage of her.
“This is my phone number. Don’t hesitate to call me. We are friends, aren’t we?”
“Sure, I’ll do.” She answered briefly.
“We can see each other tomorrow if you want. I usually take this way to go to work.”
“Don’t bother yourself. I don’t know anything about my plans for tomorrow.”
“Well, I wish you the best of luck. Call me…”
The last few words faded into the air as her friend drove away from her.
She started walking aimlessly. She didn’t know where to go or what to do. She forgot all about her plans for today. Her unexpected encounter with her school friend shook her inside. Her friend’s words rang oddly into her mind : “the best of luck!” She chewed the words with dismay then let out a long deep breath “Oh well, I think I’m not one of those who were born under a lucky star!”
Besma Riabi DZIRI
May, 2010
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