The Forest

The Forest

I don’t know how I got here, but I’m never far away from this dense, dark forest. The trees loom above me, broken branch arms stretching out to scratch me. I am lost again, scared and the chill goes all the way deep in to every one of my bones.

Twigs snap under hidden feet, mice scurry left and right and owls hoot to let you know I am here.

The every which way rain slaps at my face, dampens my thin dress and soaks my bare feet.

I am not alone, you are here, the poisonous friend forever following behind me. I know you are there, you always are. Watching, waiting, preparing to fight with me and then welcome me in to your deathly arms. You offer the same closed invitation that you always do, you won’t let me leave if I accept.

I can feel you, you are lurking behind the trees, luring me with familiar tones. You want me to stop, to turn, to look, to lose myself deep in your black cold eyes. I shiver as you hover on my shoulder, taunting me to surrender and stare. I teeter on the edge of your pitch, barren depths but I force my eyes closed and keep moving, not knowing where I am going, but I must keep my momentum.

You tease me with false comfort, you whirl around me in the wind gusts, forcing me to falter in my steps, but I brace against the blows. Branches tear at my wet face, vibrant red berries burst between my naked toes, bramble thorns stab and tear at my arms, crimson curling from the cuts. The wind blows straight through me, my eyes stream with tears but I will not stop. I must not stop.

I know your promises, they are tempting yet torturous. There is escape within you that’s true, but no love, no hope, no future, no warmth. You scream in my ears angry that I don’t stop, that I fight to ignore you. You are relentlessly roaring in my head, enraged by my strength, but I will not stop.

Do I see a glimpse of light? In amongst all the dark? Am I imaging it? No, it is, a light, I can see it, I am sure of it. It is tiny, but it’s beam is splitting a pinprick of light through the blackness. I could be free if I reached the light, I could make it, I can see myself out, escaped, home, safe, warm and dry. Then all I see is you, right in my path and I must turn away from hope. I must run the other way. I must forget the light and leave it. I cannot go through you, I cannot let you touch me.

You taunt me, mock me for thinking I was free. You laugh at my vision of home and comfort and you whirl me round and thrown thorns and nettles in my face. This is a game to you, this is sport, I am your prey and entertainment. We are too familiar you and I, we know how this game goes and we know how the story will end. I am not accepting your invitation today, not ever, I want that light to be all around me banishing this darkness.

My feet continue to bleed, my throat burns from my screams, my heart beats brokenly. I am exhausted from the battle with you. I could let go. I could just stop. I could lie down out of the storm, find a nook to rest, behind a mossy rotten tree trunk, take comfort in the dry leaves and just let go.

I lean against the tree trunk, look up to an empty sky and take a laboured breath. As soon as I exhale anxious thoughts start running like spiky tumbleweed in my mind. But then this and then that and what next? More endless, torturous if only’s and what if’s.

It would be all too simple to close my eyes and let myself fade in to you. To surrender and let there be no control, to numbly wait for the blackness to consume me until there was not a piece of me left. I could let you win. I can’t stop the relentless storm, but I could stop this battle. It would take no strength at all to let you win.

Unwilling to give up the fight yet, I pull on my last thin thread of strength and I run again. Immediately you are right there next to me, laughing, but I don’t stop. I wont let you win. I am not your plaything, I am nobody’s toy. I will find the light again and I will break free from this storm, from this forest, from you. I will create a safe place for me and my vulnerable heart, one far away from you.

You won’t give up, but neither will I. I choose love, a mission, a purpose, not you. Not today.

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