I Am Rich
She did not want to go to bed early that night. She wanted to stay awake and do something that would bring her pleasure and wonder. She was not easy to please and she wasn’t easy to get through with herself either. That feeling of having nothing to do haunted her. She was deeply convinced that she was not brought to the world haphazardly. She always believed that she was meant to do something special and of value. Something of significance in life.
She suddenly felt a chill sweeping over her tiny body. She put on her robe then headed towards the window and closed it. She was in her own bedroom. It was small, tidy and cheaply furnished but it was for her a cosy world of her own where she could be herself and look at her face without having to put on any strange expressions or any plastic emotions. She got near her closet, stared at herself in the mirror. It happened to her sometimes that she did not like how she appeared. It was not that she did not like the way she looked. She was rather satisfied with her physical appearance as much as she would be with any acceptable and comfortable clothes covering a body. She did not simply like what she saw. Nothing was clear on her face. She could hardly define any familiar expressions or trace any recognizable features. She was not surprised because she knew quite well that her mirror translated her very state of mind and mood.
Her eyes were longing for a deep and peaceful sleep, but her mind was whining to have a time of its own to do something that would give sense to life. She was actually doing nothing. She was only thinking. She did not realize that she got all her satisfaction from that long process of thinking. She wondered how she would feel if she went further and embraced ‘doing’.
“I do have something new to bring to the world. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I feel it is getting ready inside me.” She would confide to her close friend.
Her close friend was a good listener. She filled in her that need of interest, understanding and belief.
She believed in herself. She simply knew that she had the potential to be a very special person. She needed to talk that out and say to the whole world : “Wait, I’m coming.”
Still, she could not tell anyone about all that was growing inside her. But her close friend was not ‘anyone’. She picked her from a host of school friends after so many years of being distant and reserved.
She would talk to her friend openly but not freely. There was still inside her chest and spirit dark and locked spaces not to be allowed access to. However, she could not deny the fact that she could rely on her friend and keep with her some of her fears, worries and ambitions. She needed to be listened to. She needed to be shown unconditioned attention and genuine appreciation.
“I can’t get it this time. You want to do something, you want to make a difference in life but you don’t know a single thing of what you intend to do!”
“Well, I can’t explain more. This is just the way I feel.”
“Dear, you don’t need to push yourself too far to prove something you are unable to define in words even to yourself. Stop being harsh and demanding and just live your moment.”
Her friend’s words upset her. Yet she tried to hide her dark expressions from her. She hated being scrutinized and analysed. She was always obsessed with the idea that she had an unbeatable sense of logic and the very fact that her perspectives were judged or questioned negatively did really bother and hurt her ego.
She did not put an end to the conversation. Instead, she replied in a shaking voice : “I can’t define what is developing in me and I can’t help myself from feeling the way I do. I know that it seems weird to you because you are not used to hearing such deep talk.”
“You know that I really appreciate you and I like the way you approach everything around you. But don’t you realize that you are living inside a shell of serious thoughts and deep reflections?!”
She listened to her friend with a sweet smile shining on her face : “How impressive! It is really contagious! I like what you are saying. No more down to earth talk. That’s my friend!”
“Oh, come on. I’m trying to tell you that you need to deal with life and all its stuff in a simpler and more delightful way. Why are you making your life so complicated? You are living a life of a grown up woman spreading her pieces of wisdom here and there trying to bring sense to every single day of her life.”
“Can’t you understand that the life of a young foolish girl doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t think that I’m doing any harm to myself when I choose being mature and wise over being young and shallow!”
She added : ”I’m very concerned about who I am. I don’t want to be one of the poor souls who suffer from void and experience death in life.” She brightened as her words left her smoothly feeling a wave of relief sweeping over her.
“I’d rather be a rich soul who does not take life for granted. A rich soul who doesn’t get enough of the wonders of life. I need to feed myself with refined qualities and enlightening ideas and values.”
“You ARE rich, my friend. You are full of amazing ideas. You are sensible. You question everything around you and you are in a constant quest of a significant life.”
“ ‘I am rich’! I shouldn’t even say it! If I do and believe in it, it will be the end of my quest for the richness of soul and life. That will be my end...”
2010
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