Father Charlie

The first time I had met Father Charlie we were both teenagers and we had gotten some older guys from the Stonehurst neighborhood to buy us beer. Father Charlie then performed his first miracle! It was very cold, and we had gone over to this field to drink, and we had a fire and it was mainly sticks but it worked a bit and the beer did the rest. We decided to take a walk on Walnut Lane and the hill we had to walk down was an unforeseen problem. It was a freezing rain while we were in the field and the Lane was iced completely over but Charlie hadn’t a clue and stepped down and started walking but he started to immediately slip first on his right foot, and then onto his left foot, while holding our six bottles of Schlitz beer as he went down the hill! He started to fall and went to one knee and his left foot hit a manhole cover which bounced him back up to one foot but still holding the beer like a precious newborn baby.
He kept switching feet until the street leveled off and he said,”Jesus, Joseph, and Mary!”
He took his cross out of his shirt and held it and said, “thank you Lord that I didn’t fall and even more that I didn’t drop the beer!”
Nothing broken, he didn’t fall, and the beer was safe. That was then...
Only Charlie knew when he became Father Charlie, and he never told anyone either he just said he didn’t know… and he said that to keep them wondering. But of course, he knew just as he knew that he loved a shot of Jameson’s and chasing it with a beer — following that
with a strange pirate noise,”Arrggghhhh!” The Jameson followed by the beer chaser definitely helped, but the pirate noise made it all count and complete. It had to count (the pirate noise) they were like the Holy Trinity as the old Irish men at the bar Charlie worked at constantly said.
The old ones sang, “in Heaven there is no beer, that’s why we drink it here! And when we’re gone from here our friends will be drinking all the beer!”
Many years later ... The eye was not enjoying the day and temporarily went on strike. And he groped for a bottle of Refresh eye drops to help the striking eye and searching for a drink. He drank a swallow of the medicine as he called it and it all mattered. It mattered so much he thought another might solve the equation. He poured the Jameson’s and, while drinking it, felt the burn and the warmth helped as he felt much better
He found the remote, turned the TV on and lit a cigarette. And Mr. Snuffles came over and looked at him. The dog walked right over, staring as he walked, and placed his head in Charlie’s lap. The dog knew how to get him up and was watching. Finally, Charlie with the sore in his eyes
staggered not to gracefully to his feet.
He walked to the back door, opened the door and the screen, whistled to the dog and yelled, “let’s go Mr. Snuffles, go get em!”
And Mr. Snuffles came running excited for the run.
And the dog ran out the door and started his sprint, as he was so known for doing, He tried to catch a squirrel, but the squirrel saw and heard him soon as the door opened and was prepared to get out of Dodge. Mr. Snuffles loved the snow, and the snow loved the dog, as much as snow can love. It stayed cold as long as it was below freezing, and the snow was happy and the dog running and eating some as he chomped and ran.
“Let’s go, Mr. Snuffles! Do your duty and be done with that flea-bitten squirrel. The squirrels are gone as are the birds. It’s time you get down to do your duty and besides its cold!”
So, to punctuate all the happenings, Father Charlie proceeded to take the flask out of his inside pocket of raiments and take a swallow of his medicine to take the chill off himself.
Charlie and Mr. Snuffles went back indoors to the fire and soon they were both unconscious and Charlie was dreaming his nightmare.
Smoke... Pounding... Screaming... more pounding until he woke, and he really did smell smoke and heard someone pounding on his window and saying, “hey, is anyone in there? Wake up!”
And Charlie was only 12 years old, and he opened the window and a stranger was screaming,” how many people are in the house? It’s on fire and you must get out.” There was no time for asking names, but to get his family out, Charlie had to go out the window. Charles and the stranger went to his sister’s window and the stranger started pounding on her window and she finally opened it up and he got her out as Charlie worked on getting his younger brother out of his bedroom window and the fire and smoke.
The three children were all trying to bang on their mother’s window as they saw flames in her room and the man went scrambling to a neighbor’s house for a phone and the three sobbing for their mother and little infant brother.
The end result was the Step-Father, who had beaten the Mother of Charles and his siblings was an alcoholic and a smoker, had fallen asleep in the front room of the house with a lit cigarette drunk and the fire engulfed him and he died of smoke inhalation without even knowing it. Charlie’s Mother and his infant brother died of both smoke inhalation and severe burns. All Charlie knew was his world and his sibling was gone, like a fall breeze that rustles the leaves and goes where it goes, and the leaves flying.
The only blessing of the whole predicament was that a truck driver happened to drive by early that morning and saw the fire burning, and he stopped in case he could save someone or do something other than just ride past. Firetrucks arrived and put the fire out and helped the children with the problem-identifying their mother and little brother were inside and didn’t survive. They were taken by Ambulances to the local hospital and treated for smoke inhalation and some burns. Charles had given his Grandfather’s phone number to the nurse at the hospital and his Grandparents came to retrieve them from Cherry Hill, New Jersey and bring them Back to Upper Darby, Pa. And that’s how the nightmare ended with Charles crying and covered with sweat and tears.
There was no counseling for Charlie or his sister or brother. Three weeks later they were back in school, and it was as if nothing had happened in their lives. Charlie’s brother Robert was eight years younger and there was not enough room at the house at the Grandparents so Robert was sent to Charlie’s cousin Kevin’s. Kevin had married his High School sweetheart Joanne and they lived in Northeast Philadelphia. I was drinking steadily and the clock tick tocking as I waited for the bartender Charlie to see I needed his prompt attention. He was always lollygagging and telling stories or making deals and I needed a deal right now. He reminded me of when I was in Bootcamp in the Navy up to Great Lakes, Illinois. The Chief Petty Officer would always sneak into the barracks, and everyone would be laying around sleeping on the floor under their racks, hiding behind the racks, talking, playing cards, washing socks, or just doing nothing. And boom, “Attention on Deck!” Someone would yell as they saw the company Commander. And he would start screaming about how we were lollygagging, we had Irish pendants on our shirts, our beds weren’t properly made right and on and on...
“See Charlie, I'm thinking about bootcamp instead of thinking about trying to mount Tracy over there with those lips that make me forget she would never, ever, even talk to me unless I was sober and had a whole shitload of money in my pocket!
“And I would never be caught alive in this den of filth if I wasn’t drinking let alone if I was rich and stopped drinking! Why would I be in this grime hole?”
Patrick drank his drink and went home saying goodnight and starting for the door...
Years later...
Father Charlie tried to bring me back to my senses by speaking very softly and mentioning that it had snowed last night. “Pat do you know it snowed and you have to shovel your steps and walk as well?”
“Yes, Father I do let my dog out for fucks sake.” “I’m talking about snow shoveling and not talking about mutts.”
Patrick knew he shouldn’t be cursing around Father Charlie, even if he wasn’t a real priest he was as good a priest, as the neighborhood had and stepping on the dogs tail. “Jesus, Joseph, and Mary , Mr. Snuffles why are you always under my feet?” Mr. Snuffles slunk away, tail tucked between his leg, ears back with a sorry look on his face like he just ate Father Charlie’s favorite slippers that he had gotten from Santa Clause. “Father, look what you made me do with your shuffling around here with your Bible thumping and preaching and you fresh off the bottle yourself!!” “I’m not preaching, don’t have a Bible. I just said it snowed and you need to shovel your walk but would you like to go to an AA meeting with me?” “Do they have dunking tank there and afterwards I have to swear some allegiance or take the oath and then I get immersed in water and you baptize me?”
“First off I’m not a real priest and I’m not going through that whole story again.” Many years before...
Charlie’s brother Robert had gone to their cousin Kevin’s to live after the fire. Charlie would love to visit his brother and there was always characters and fun situations at the house that made Charlie laugh.
Kevin’s Mother, Aunt Margaret, lived there and she was always fun. She had dementia and one never knew what she would do, say or what could happen. Once while Charlie was there, she found Kevin’s stash of money hidden under the carpet in a backroom where she thought she hid a ring. While at Mass, Charlie watched her pull out a stack of money and when the basket came to her, she put more money in that basket then Charlie had ever seen. Charlie told Kevin and he asked Aunt Margaret and she said, “I haven’t been to Mass in a month, what kind of assistants are you people? Wait until I tell my son how I’ve been treated by you people.”
“Mom, it’s me, Kevin!” “Oh you finally decided to come over and see me? Charles hid his laugh by biting down on his tongue. “I have never left Mom.” “Why let me tell you, Mister, there was just a fellow you have hired who was accusing me of going to church and what not ,and a bunch of other sordid details which I didn’t bother listening to.” “That was me, Mom and I asked you about the money I had hidden under the carpet.” “Mister, when I get hold of my son you had better be on the bus headed to Memphis. Let go of my arm before I call the Police, I know you will tell me you are a police officer too.” Kevin was in shock listening to his mother going on and on like a lunatic. He grew sadder and sadder. “ Mom, it’s me, Kevin. Everything is gonna be fine.”
“Tell that policeman and the servant you hired. She is terrible. She can’t cook, she is lazy I don’t like her and I caught her sleeping in your bedroom.” “That’s Joanne, Mom and please stop screaming.”
“That servant is a thief. You need to count the silverware some of it’s gone missing.” “It’s Joanne and she is my wife, and she isn’t a thief or a servant.”
So, Kevin, to get back at her Mother, changed the Channel on her tv to a Spanish speaking tv station.
He went in a half hour later as he heard his mother saying “Hola!” “Mom, are you learning Spanish?”
“No hablo englese, ”his Mother replied. “Mom are you okay?” “Mi hijo y su esposa son idiotas.” Kevin got his phone out and recorded what she said and told her to repeat it.
“Mi hijo y su esposa son idiotas.” He called his friend Juan up and he played it for him and Juan said, “your Mother said my son and his wife are both idiots.” “But how could she come up with this listening to Spanish TV? Juan said he had no idea but he said that the translation was complete. Charles called Kevin that night and told him, “Listen, I forgot to tell you at Mass your Mother had a load of 100$ bills.”
Charlie told Kevin about what he had seen at church and Kevin checked the rug and saw the money gone and ran to see Father Meehan at church and explained how his mother had taken 8500$ from his hiding place and put it in the basket and he needed it back. Father Meehan said that money is gone to the Archdiocese. Think of it as blessings from Jesus!
Joanne cooked, cleaned for Margaret, bathed her, cleaned after she had bowel movements, washed her clothes, and took her to all appointments and Margaret didn’t know Kevin or Joanne at all. But when Charlie came, she knew exactly who Charlie was. “Charles, come here and let me see how handsome you are? How old are you now?” “I’m twelve Aunt Marg, how are you doing?”
“SHHH we can’t let that man hear us, Charles. Charles, I saw you on tv. You are very famous now on the Wrestling Federation they call you the Wild Hombre, Charles I’m being imprisoned here, and they hit me.” “Who hits you” “That man sitting over there with the swollen mouth. “Have you seen my idiot son? You won’t believe it, but he married this Polock named Joanne. Get me a piece of paper Charlie.” “My son is so dumb he sent me to this quack and wait until you hear this.This Dr asked me personal questions about my life and he was supposed to be an eye Dr.” Margaret had recently gone to an eye Dr and he asked her to read the top line and the top line of the eye chart had the letters:
CZYNTQSTAKPL The eye Dr asked Joanne can you read this chart and she said, “can I read it Dr? I know the man He lived next door to me for Twenty - Seven years.” Margaret said,” I can’t believe my Kevin married a dumb Polock, she can’t keep a house clean, she can’t cook worth a damn, she is dumb as a rock, and she isn’t even pretty. And they want to have me committed!”
Charles felt terrible listening to this while Joanne sitting right there after cooking, cleaning, washing her clothes bathing her, and trying to make her last years happy.
“And Kevin’s even dumber for marrying her. He never was smart and summer school each year, repeating eighth grade, almost flunked out of college.
But Kevin didn’t let her get away with all this meanness. When Charles drove up to see his brother Robert after he turned eighteen his Aunt Margaret was so happy to see Charlie but she mistook him. “Oh my God it’s one of the lumberjacks from the WWE(World Wrestling Entertainment), I want your autograph are you Sven or Sigoran. I need my glasses. I saw you two tattoo those lousy Russians in the Gulag Death Match. Where did you get that blowtorch from?”
“This is Charles Mom, I don’t think he is a wrestler Mom,” said Kevin “My nephew Charles? He looks like a stud oak tree. Charles, you look like your father, but where did that wrestler go?”
“Charles, you must take me out of this house, these people are trying to kill me. It’s a husband and wife and they are poisoning my food. My son Kevin never comes and that whore he married is always at the beauty parlor and yet it hasn’t done any good.”
Kevin came over and said, “Mom I’m here it’s me, Kevin, and Joanne is here too.”
“Where have you been all this time? This couple has been hitting me, feeding me food only a dog would eat and now Charlie is here, and you won’t believe it but one of the Lumberjacks from the WWE was just here but the couple who you hired ran him off.”
Kevin said to Charlie in a whisper, “watch this Char.” “Mom did you know Charlie is a Priest now?” “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph I can finally say my confession and Father Charlie my very own nephew a priest.”
“Charlie doesn’t have time for confession Ma, he has to see his brother Rob and get back to say the 7:00 PM Mass.”
Charlie made Kevin go to the other room where he asked, “Why did you tell her I was a priest? “It’s a joke Charles she will forget who you are in a few minutes.”

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