Poetry Forum

shangevar - all messages by user

3/24/2022 7:14:17 AM
How to navigate this site?	Hi! I'm new here and finding the very long menu of categories here a bit overwhelming. I'm not sure where to start. I have an MA in English and have written poetry (not a lot) for decades. I am very interested in discussing great poetry, and also interested in helping students or just beginner poets to learn how to write poetry. I am coming here after Quora (which is irritating because it seems no one reads poetry, only 'quotes', and only ever talks about 'quotes' as if they are self-contained works of art). Plus, about 95 percent of Quora posts seem to be motivated by trying to see how many responses they can get (e.g, by recycling popular posts of others). I also tried several subreddits on Reddit, but I find the tone there is overwhelmingly anti-intellectual, the submitted poems mostly wretched (though I would never say that about a person's poem directly), and the posters generally ignorant of published poetry. All that said, do I fit in here? If so, where on this vast site can I go to (1) critique serious beginners' poetry and (2) engage in serious discussions of great poetry (not helping the high schooler write their assignment on "Stopping By Woods")?
3/24/2022 9:15:05 AM
THE DECEITFUL SPIDER	I gather that this is, at least on the literal level, a poem about a spider that has caught a prey in its web. On the metaphorical level, it is a bit hard to understand. Spiders are not really deceitful; they just put their net up. It's not like they bait the net with something that attacts prey. So I assume the spider is a metaphor for a deceitful person, perhaps a false lover, for example. In that case "deceitful spider" is appropriate for the title. There are quite a few odd choices of words and ungrammatical constructions, all of which make the poem hard to understand. I gather that you are not a native speaker of English. If you wrote this poem in your language and translated it to English, I would suggest you ask a friend who is fluent in English to check your translation. Many English words have multiple meanings, and your translator dictionary may have led you to pick the wrong meaning in several cases. Try to use more simple words at first. I am thinking particularly of these words: toppling, advent, mould, "not a whispering heart by inch," "it entirety web to death." Also, never use 'u' for 'you.' That is for texting only. I would really like to see a revision of this, because I can tell that it tells a dramatic story (on both literal and metaphorical levels), and it has a rhythm and musical sound. You clearly have a talent for poetry. edited by shangevar on 3/24/2022 edited by shangevar on 3/24/2022
3/24/2022 9:31:57 AM
Critique my villanelle about gender dysphoria!	I love villanelles, and this is a terrific example. I just have a few small suggestions. I rather feel that your 2nd and 3rd stanzas should swap their 3rd lines. See what you think. The first line of stanza 5 made me pause. For the rhythm of the poem, it seems too long. Also "march to a different drummer" doesn't work for me. First, it is a cliche. And then, it generally refers to someone who is following their own way, in contrast to society or 'the norm." That is you, I think, not those who disagree with you. And you are rightly proud of that. The last stanza just wowed me. Could not possibly be better!
3/24/2022 9:35:43 AM
New to Poetry Soup	I'm new too. But I don't see your poems. Can you post one here, and I promise I will look at it
3/24/2022 9:50:34 AM
Serenity	I like this! I feel it is the very essence of being a poet that the poet sees, really sees, the world and captures the same ordinary things that we all see, but notices them, and observes how they fit into the world and add to its beauty. I particularly smiled at "flat bottom ice cream cones". I never thought of it, but that basic shape of those cones has not changed since I was five (over 7 decades ago). The only critique I have (forgive me: old English teacher here), is "squinting to the crest, the view reveals a thrill." That's what we English teachers call a "misplaced modifier" or "dangling participle." The sentence seems to say that the view is squinting, but it is you (or the narrator/driver) who is squinting. I was a little disappointed at the first and last lines of the poem: This was all a dream that you now remember? Why not delete those lines and just have it be a romantic description of a road trip? I just feel that the first line doesn't tell me anything and the last line seems jarring. That's how it hit me, anyway. I love the descriptions. We all see those white lines down the middle of the road, but how many of us think about how they tend to blur together. Nice! edited by shangevar on 3/24/2022
3/24/2022 11:28:16 AM
Growing Pains	Interesting poem. I like the title, the images, the rhythm, and the coherent sense. The lower-case letters are a distraction, mostly. E.E. Cummings was a great poet, and seldom used capital letters (except in the spelling of his own name), but he also was very free with form, adding spaces above and below certain lines, and to the left, and playing with punctuation and jamming wordstogetherlikethis. You are not even consistent with avoiding capital letters--I count four in the poem, with no clear reason. Also, a poet can write a poem using no punctuation at all (although it takes care, to avoid confusion), but you have a question mark, three commas, and a hyphen (which should be a dash or maybe a comma). I think the whole poem would work better if you just used traditional grammar.
3/24/2022 11:41:42 AM
Criticize my poem please	Don't put a space between a word and its following comma, this is how to do it. "they will rust' would be better than 'they'll 'turn to dust' better than 'turn into dust' hearts doesn't quite rhyme with dirt, but it doesn't bother me. The last line is too many syllables, and 'the' should be 'their' Maybe: "For I shall no more be in their sight" It always helps to read your poems aloud, to see where the rhythm breaks down.
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