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Best Poems Written by Luke Irwin

Below are the all-time best Luke Irwin poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

Details | Luke Irwin Poem

Talking Trash

The alarm clock brushed my teeth and then forced me to drink orange juice.
As I looked out the window, a cement sky was pulling down the corners of my mouth.
The newspaper on my front steps was wetter than a spitball. Trying to read it was like trying to page through baklava, just not as tasty.
The coffee grinder handed me a bouquet and asked if I would like some help with the corners of my mouth. I cradled the steaming mug so I could feel the rays of sunshine in my hands.
As I headed out, the wind surprised me by throwing the door open and kissing me. Her lips were cold, but her breath was very fresh. I was mad at first, but must admit, it did feel good.
When I got to work, the building was talking trash to me, and I talked trash right back,
reminding him that I was close to retirement. That shut him up! I paused and then tightly grinned, knowing full well that someday I will miss them all.

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Cooler

Fifty years of bustin’ ass, I never had a dime,
If I had any balls at all, I’d’ve chose a life of crime;

I never owned a brand new truck, a flat TV or yacht,
I figured I deserved much more, but settled for what I got;

I’ve had some ladies in the past, one of them I wed,
The day she said her last good-bye, I was still chained to the bed; 

Intentions never mattered much; all efforts were in vain,
So I decided it was time to quit, and end all of the pain;

I took a walk to Clary Bridge, took aim at a boulder,
All I got was a branch in the ass and a dislocated shoulder;

After I was discharged, I tried new methodology,
The light bulb in my head told me electricity!

So I opened up the breaker door and gave a golden shower,
The GFI installed last June shut down all the power;

I stood there in my basement, with my futility
Steeped in humiliation and a bit of my own pee;

Resolute to find a means to ensure I would expire,
In a blaze of glory, the world would see me set myself on fire;

I strutted to the gas pump, a human birthday candle,
In front of rush hour traffic, I squeezed the oily handle;

Lighter in my right hand, I lit it fully gassed,
It took all of three seconds for the fire suppression blast.

It covered cars and people white, causing all some grief,
Hacking coughs, angry stares and one pissed off fire chief;

Never knowing when to quit is my Achilles heel,
I set my sights on a lofty cliff and got behind the wheel;

The steepest edge that I recalled was at the Jamesville Quarry 
So in the dust of my rear windshield I scratched the words “Memento mori”

Crossed my fingers just for luck, that things would go as planned,
Between the gasket and the tow, it would cost about a grand;

Later in the waiting room, in line to see the shrink,
I chatted with a fellow sod to see what he did think;

I told him of my luckless life, burdened by a curse,
And my desire to end my life and ride off in a hearse;

He listened quite intently, with a smile and a nod,
Then said he had a deal for me, although it may seem odd;

He told me gambling addiction was his infirmity,
And leaning forward in his seat, knew just the place for me;

I’m paying all my bills on time; my life is somewhat stable,
I have a little pocket cash and Friday I get cable

No longer do I make attempts to do myself some harm,
Turned the tables on my curse of being a bad luck charm;

The casino really likes me, they pay me a good buck;
I’m working as a “cooler” now, breaking peoples luck.

Details | Luke Irwin Poem

The Crucible

Boy
Obstinate, belligerent,
Cursing, fighting, bullying,
Girl, crucible, ring, child,
Relenting, healing, sacrificing, 
Steadfast, kind,
Man

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Sweet N' Salty

Pecan, pumpkin, apple or key lime;
I save room for dessert every time.
To really make me swoon,
and bark out at the moon
Salted caramel cheesecake is sublime!

Details | Luke Irwin Poem

Clue-Who Murdered the Easter Bunny

It’s been ten days, the Easter Bunny is gone with hardly a trace,
The Missus is inconsolable- an Easter basket-case,
Evidence in plastic bags, some fibers and some fur,
The family suspects foul play, the police, they do concur,
This once pristine meadow has senselessly been fouled,
Safety and security has now been disemboweled,
“Mark my woids!” Bugs cried out “Sample that bastids’ blood!”
“No one hates rabbits more than that twisted Elmer Fudd!”
“You’re paranoid” Rodger snorted “the one who murders for kicks...
is that obvious cereal killer, the rabbit from the box of Trix,
“Wrong again” sniffed Uncle Wiggly, “you’re no kind of private-eye” 
“But speaking of tricks, when you see her next, tell Jessica that I said hi” 
“You can’t just point your finger and tell the police to slap on the cuffs”,
You’re so afraid of your own shadow; you’ve filled your pants with cocoa puffs,
Peter leapt up “A demented rabbit killer, it’s McGregor that’s plain to see!”
“He’s got my clothes on a pole in his garden, hanging in effigy!”
Wiggly shot back “…or is it gang related? Their alibis are somewhat frail”,
“Exactly where were those thugs, Flopsie, Mopsie and Cottontail?
“Hanging around Thumper and Br’er Rabbit; I tell you they’re all the same!”
“Do I really have to remind you all how Thumper got his name?”
Borrowing their hole deeper and deeper, down into that rabbit hole
Theories and explanations, none of which could console,
It will make little difference, because now there will be no Easter
The debate will go on and on, as scared rabbits talk out their keisters,
In a squalid little burrow on the wrong side of the rabbit tracks
Amid the empty red bull cans, lies a bloody axe,
On the handle of the door a “do not disturb’ sign is hanging
And in the bedroom is the Energizer; but it’s not his drum he’s banging,
There the recent widow is doing what bunnies do best,
Meanwhile across the field they are laying her hubby to rest.

March 5 1012

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Grook - Comfort To Death

Complacency, leisure and ease,
Sloth is a creeping disease.
To take your first breath,
Put comfort to death,
Only then, the day you may seize!

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The Town of Can'T

This town is filled with reasons, reasons why you can’t.
You’re in contempt to protest; so you better save your rant.
If you are creative, your art must be approved,
If it’s deemed offensive, it will be removed.
You can’t have too much fun, it’s a liability,
All enjoyment must be ordained by your municipality.
You can’t start a business until you pay the fees,
Proceed to the cashier, have your money ready please
You can’t hammer a nail; you must be up to code
Enforcement will come knocking, for improving your abode
You can’t do it yourself; you must be licensed by the state
Any change you want to make, they will regulate.
You can’t have a party; it might get out of hand,
Only sanctioned celebrations, strip-searched for contraband.
Each of your essential needs, all require cash,
Our humanity is hidden, beneath a red circle and a slash.
It’s a waste of time to hang around and stick it to the man,
I’m leaving this local of “can’t” for a place that says I can.

Details | Luke Irwin Poem

Cell Limmerick

You’re filled up with worry and dread,
So you empty your heart and your head,
But it’s all damned to hell
‘cause she’s obsessed with her cell,
and hasn’t heard a word that you’ve said.

Details | Luke Irwin Poem

Canyon

Canyon widens
River nearly dry
Are you in love with her?

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Seeds

Summits hypnotize,
Ardor, eviscerated,
Seeds defy the dirt.