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Interwoven in my DNA Disjointing chain links Always lopsided Never any balance Overreacting Overly emotional Distracted by everything One day somewhat normal The next day absolutely abnormal Super friendly one moment As reclusive as a funnel web spider the next No way to truly explain It's like there's two of me Sharing the same brain The same thoughts That illicit happiness But also agony Walking around in a haze Sifting thoughts through fog Trying to understand Mistakes that shouldn't happen To remember Why I walked in the room Or what I was doing On the outside I look normal But internally wired by a lunatic With no sense of order Only discord and disorder But how to explain That each day is a unique challenge How to explain I won't just wake up one day all better How to explain I live with this every day When some days are better than others But those days I do struggle I struggle immensely It's in my mind Behind my eyes It's in my heart Ripping me apart And when I lash out I'm a prisoner to my feelings That consume me so completely I watch as they hurt others The anger in their eyes The impulsiveness of my words The suddenness of my actions It's so inexplicable But I can't escape the shackles Holding the real me in So I watch And I suffer And I cry myself to sleep at night At all the pointless fights Hurting myself More than I hurt anyone else This is who I am But this is also not who I am I'm ripped in two By competing sides So one day I put out the fire And the next I just want To watch the world burn I'm inflicted by so many childhood wounds So sometimes all I want Is for others to feel a fraction of that pain But it's not fair It's not fair But sometimes I don't care I just really don't care So I cope with my childhood trauma Knowing I can no longer confront it When people I loved most deeply Left the deepest scars in my soul So when I'm mentally crashing I struggle to go to anyone for help Fearing it will be used against me Like it was so many times before This helplessness and feeling Like I don't matter So pervasive So corrupting I have no self-confidence I have no self-respect And in the dead of night I wonder Why I continue to breathe But as I write can't you see? My emotions are tumultuous And the deeper I dig The deeper the agony But that pain is me Woven into my DNA Like the disorder I struggle to cope with I want to love I want to be happy And escape the irrational me Because deep inside There is also a happy me But smothered By years of isolation By years of pain By years of stress eating But that happiness Is encoded in my DNA So each day I fight It's not always easy But I strive to be better To cope with this disorder And my depression But there is no cure Medication helps But it is not a miracle worker The real miracle Will be when I can look at myself And trust in others And feel like I can finally say Please help me Because I cannot help myself Please tell me What you see in me for I cannot see it Please tell me you love me Because I struggle to love myself Because when I find that faith I will see even if a medical cure doesn't exist With love and acceptance Maybe that is the cure I needed all along
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