The Chaos of Moods

8 a.m., I lock myself in my bedroom, I start to pray for better days I silently scream I’m sorry, to the mirror I silently scream to my dad, I’m sorry I’m sorry to my sibling for my sudden outburst. I’m sorry. Take your medicine, they say But I hate taking my medicine, it’s like I’m dependent on a pill to balance the chemicals In my brain that should balance itself, It’s useless. Its useless to explain, it’s useless to explain to them That I can’t control it, I don’t know how to live with it, I’m terrified. I’m terrified to go out in public, That I might snap at the lady behind the counter Because she hasn’t gave me my change, She’s just doing her job, she’s trying to get by, Suicide. Suicide could be the answer, I can live in peace, Put the gun against my head, for I am a bomb, that’s waiting to explode And demolish everything in my quake, but I imagine. I imagine that I am a phoenix, rising from the ashes That I have just demolished, I am a phoenix That does not does not care, I am a phoenix But that is not true. I am not a phoenix, I am a scared little girl hiding from the monster that is staring back at me, I am the monster, the monster that hides in her room, The monster that gets angry and sad, by a drop of a hat A monster that laughs then worries, a monster That is haunted by the things she has done Because of her mental disorder, I am a monster. Misunderstood, I am misunderstood By almost everyone around me Mom doesn’t understand by sudden outbursts, she says I can help it I am misunderstood, at least I am somewhat understood, dad understands me I cry to him that I am not myself, I take it out on him I don’t mean to, This where the silent screams come in, I’m so sorry Please forgive me, Help. I need help, I’m being swallowed by the pain that’s inside As though boiling in the pot of water, my anger My hatred for the world ensues No, I love my life, the adventures The people, I love them I am sad now, I cry, I am frustrated No, I am confused, I overthink What should I do? Pain. I feel pain now, with pain Comes depression, I am depressed I am in bed, I stay there until noon, NO Stop! I am happy. Happiness, sad, anger, pain, depression The routine starts over, but not in that order Pain, anger, sadness, happy, depression Anger, sadness, pain, depression, happy Anger, sad, happy Starts again. Happy, anger, sad, pain, Starts again Sad, anger, happy, pain Starts again Depression, happy, sad, Starts again Anger, sad, depression, panic, happy. Starts again, Numb.