It's a Process

It will be one full year, in 4 days. 8,652 hours and 38 minutes since my life gained a permanent gray mental haze. 361 long and sleepless nights. The never-ending tears and the pain my heart has endured, due to your lifes last flight. I thought by this time that the weight in my chest would have been lifted. I imagine your soul being carried out of that dark hot hole, before any pain was inflicted. Little cherubs celebrating, as a new sister they have been gifted. I figured then, that by now I would have had one year to really process this forever pain and not randomly burst out and scream your name. I guess I hoped I could somehow find peace within my pain when processing your death. I pray that when I go, we will reunite and we will have both been restored from any earthly anger and the wicked snares of uninvited fright. These are just thoughts. I dont really know what comes next, and that I am learning is alright. Though, I miss you more now then when your existence was solid and I could actually see you. I wish I had more insightful words to share, but the tears running from my eyes have caused quite the glare. It's still hard to think about you in past tense. I don't know how I can ever get past the fact that we didn't get to make an earthly amends. I do know you would not want me to stay all sad, so here is to you big sis, we love you forever and miss you so bad. Wishing that one day our energy will connect again but for now, in my memory is where we will interact til then.