See You Again
Sometimes the hardest goodbye is the ones unsaid.
You were my college crush. I first saw you when we were freshmen. Nagtuturo ka ng sayaw para sa fondation day. I will never forget that day kasi simula ng araw na yun alam kong mag iiba na yung tingin ko sa mundo.
You were the darling of the crowd. Napaka witty, kulit, energetic yung tipong kala mo walang problema. Your smile and laughter is contagious. Then on I became interested in you. Lagi kitang inaabangan pag break or lunch ko. May mga subjects kasi na magka building tayo kaya madalas kang dumaan. I always go sa study area or sa PE building para malaman kung nakatambay ka dun. I even added you on Fb kahit di mo naman ako kilala, good thing you accepeted my friend request.
I was happy being your friend kahit sa FB lang, okay na kong nakikita posts mo. That run for months, then one day I messaged you. It started with "Hi Crush!" Awkward no? Siguro nga, hindi ka kasi masyadong nagrereply nun. Saktong usap lang tayo. Nothing personal. I hate it. You liked someone so much you're too busy with that person. I made myself busy as well.
Years passed. You shifted course pala. I was already an incoming 4th year student when I realized na I'm graduating without even talking to you in person. I thought wala namang mawawala, so I approached you and asked for your phone number. You gave it.
Unfortunately, globe ka, smart ako. That time I can't switch network kasi marami akong textmates sa number ko, besides bihira ka rin magreply kasi walang extra load and hindi ka mahilig mag text sabi mo. So I let it be.
June 4, 2012, tumawag ka, gulat ako. I don't know if I'll answer it or not. I did anyway. tamang usap lang sabi mo kasi may free minutes ka for other networks. Mula noon lagi ka nang tumatawag pag may free call ka. Ganun din ako. You told me na you broke up with your bf.
I was there for you to comfort you. Pero hindi ako nagtake advantage. Ayokong mahalin mo ko dahil lang andun ako sa tabi mo. I was happy being your friend, somehow. But things turned out to be the other way. You told me you like me. No, you love me. Nasa isip ko baka rebound lang ako but you assured me na hindi. You really love me. So we said yes to the chance of being together. Although you were afraid dahil lahat ng naging boyfriends mo hindi ka minahal ng katulad ng pagmamahal mo. You always say na that's ok because your gay. But for me, no, it's never ok. You were my princess. I love you coz you deserve it. We were ok. Habang tumatagal nakikilala natin lalo isa't isa. You shared all your pain with me. You made me see how lonely and vulnerable you were that all I did was hug you. No words just us feeling our heartbeats. All I want to do was to protect you and make sure that all you will have are happy memories. Pero mapaglaro talaga yung tadhana. You got sick. Minsan lang tayo magkita due to school and you were a working student. I always remind you to take care of yourself whenever I'm not around. You promised not to make me worry. You failed your promise. There were weeks na nawalan ka ng phone and you are not going home kasi mula ng nagworking student ka you became independent na. Hindi kita masyadong nakakausap. I was so worried. Tapos twing niyayaya kita magpacheck up lagi kang nagdedecline. Sabi mo pumunta ka na and you're just fine. You feel bad when I worry so I chose to hide it. Busy days came. Hindi na tayo gaano nakakapag usap. There were times na we can't even meet kahit saglit lang. I know its my fault. I was doing so many tasks like there's no tomorrow. I forgot that it's for us why I'm doing all those. I missed seeing you during those days you missed me.
You worked so hard and got promoted. You do your best in everything and I want you to keep on doing that. You think about us too much that you forgot to think about yourself. I want to be the person to always think about you. I decided to let you go.
We lost communication for months. Hinayaan ko munang ganun kahit may mga times na gustong gusto kitang makakwentuhan. Nakikita ko pa rin naman updates about you. I see that you're doing good. You seemed happy thats enough for me.
One day nag message ka. Sabi mo you need a friend. Like the person you knew before I am still here. Sabi mo your sickness got worse. Of all the people bakit isa ako sa mga sinabihan mo. You look okay in front of other people. Katulad ng dati sinasarili mo pa rin as much as possible. We decided to meet after months of idle. The moment I saw you time froze and took me back to the days we were together. I still admire you as you are. We ate while talking. You told me your diagnosis. Its not a good news.
I encouraged you to take meds consistently. Nakakainis kasi sinabi mo since we broke up except for your mom, no one reminds you to drink your meds as scheduled. So then on I became your reminder kahit hindi tayo magkasama. I thought you're getting better. It made me mad when one of your friends tagged you in a picture drinking somewhere in Makati. Gusto kong maging ok pakiramdam mo pero ayaw mong tulungan sarili mo. Sabi mo napapagod ka na sa mga nangyayari. Gusto mo na lang ienjoy yung ngayon. Nakakainis kasi ako gusto ko ienjoy yung bukas at mga susunod pa kasama ka pero parang tinataboy mo ko palayo sayo. Lahat ng hindi ko gusto ginagawa mo.
Dumistansya ako. Hinayaan ulit kitang gawin kung saan ka masaya. Ilang buwan ulit ang lumipas. Hanggang isang araw nalaman ko wala ka na. Hindi man lang kita nadalaw bago ka mawala. Kahit nung libing mo hindi ako pumunta kasi ayaw kong makita yung katotohanan. Gusto kong isipin na nandyan ka lang somewhere. Masakit kasi eh, nung sinukuan mo sarili mo, sinukuan din kita. Sana nag stay ako. Sana ako yung taong kahit anong pagtataboy mo hindi ka hinayaan. Alam kong ayaw mo kong masaktan na mawawala ka pero mas masakit na wala akong masyadong nagawa.
Lately after years dinalaw na kita. Kailangan kong patawarin yung sarili ko sa mga bagay na hindi ko na mababago. Ang peaceful ng bago mong place. Naalala mo pa ba nung tinantong mo ko kung bakit ikaw? Sabi ko sayo, "Bago kita makilala nasa start ako ng race. Ayokong tumakbo. Tinatanaw ko lang yung finish line. Nung nakilala kita. Naisip kong gusto ko nang tumakbo kasi ikaw yung nasa dulo."
I miss you so much babe. I will still run to the finish line thinking that someday I will be with you. Sana may next life. Gusto kitang hanapin ulit. I will never let you go. Iloveyou my kryptonite.
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