Grief Is So, So, So Mind Numbing - Marissa Faries's Blog

Another tragic loss happened this year. On May 4th, 2022, we pulled the life support plug on my underage cousin. She left behind many loved ones who were so dear to her. None of us are sure if she intentionally died, as she was having a depressive episode beforehand. But the real tragedy is it was because of a drug called fentanyl.

Myself and her mother do not blame anyone, as it was simply a bad decision she made herself. My heart is torn apart. My mind is so numb that physical pain pales in comparison to my grief and loss. I was not as close to my cousin as I should have been. But that is just because over time we drifted apart, especially due to long distance with living in different places. I honestly feel like I have no right to miss her. I sometimes wonder if she ever secretly resented me. But now her spirit is free, and in the afterlife she knows and understands everything again, I am sure.

She was a beautiful girl with a kind heart. Life gave her a lot of challenges, but she was both a fighter and a lover. I loved her because she was one of my many younger cousins. I knew her as a toddler. She was my baby (non-binary gender) sibling's friend in their toddler years. I feel so much empathy and sympathy for my auntie who misses her so deeply. My aunt doesn't deserve to feel the pain that comes with losing a child. But life and death can be unfair that way for just about anybody. It's just does not sit right to me that she died prematurely, and of drugs too.

Please, save yourselves the grief, and help any of the addicts you personally know. Do not judge them, do not blame them. Addicts suffer, addicts are human too. Show them you love them and are genuinely concerned. Nowadays, all I think is, "Do I have the right to grieve her?" It is astonishing how much this grief is affecting me, because of how distant I was all these years. But this is what grief truly is. It does not discriminate. She was an indigenous teenage girl. Every Child Matters. Not just those who died in residential schools, but also those who become addicts and victims in these times. Thank you for reading, especially if you also read my blog post on my grief about my paternal grandfather.

Rest in power, rest in paradise, rest in peace, K.K.T.

"Now my mind is outta place, yeah, uh. 'Cause I lost my faith and I feel everything. I feel everything from my body to my soul. No, no. Well, I feel everything. When I'm coming down is the most I feel alone. No, no. I've been sober for a year, now it's time for me to go back to my old ways, don't you cry for me. Thought I'd be a better man, but I lied to me and to you.

I take half a Xan' and I still stay awake. All my demons wanna pull me to my grave. I choose Vegas if they offer heaven's gate. I tried to love, but you know I'd never stay, I'd never stay. But if I OD, I want you to OD right beside me. I want you to follow right behind me. I want you to hold me while I'm smiling, while I'm dying. (...) I lost my faith. I'm losing my religion every day. Time hasn't been kind to me, I pray. When I look inside the mirror and see someone I love." -Faith, by The Weeknd