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Sanika Abedin Poem
Everyday it seems i’m the victim of a false perception,
One I wish was true, but I am far from fulfilling the definition of perfection.
But people perceive me to be, form their remarks I can tell,
They think too highly of me, i’m put on a pedestal.
I appreciate it, I do, they make me smile and i have faith in myself too,
But sometimes, I find myself wishing they didn’t think of me the way they do.
Because everyday on the receiving end of one remark or another,
I constantly feel something heavy weighing down on my shoulder.
“Oh you didn’t studying, you’ll still get full marks.”
I won’t, I don’t, I can’t.
“Of course you were panicking for no reason, highest in the class!”
But I was being genuine about how i felt.
“You get full marks in everything.”
No i don’t, I have my fair share of bad grades.
“A 14 on 15 is bad for you isn’t it?”
It isn’t, but is it wrong to aspire to be the best?
“And the highest mark goes to—”
All eyes fall on me, I’m terrified of being a let down.
If my names reaches my ears, I exhale, I haven’t disappointed,
If not, I turn red, happy for the other person but filled with embarrassment.
It seems to them that problems aren’t mine,
and even if they ‘exist’ they believe i conquer them i time.
But only I know the truth
The way I feel takes ages to soothe
I fear to let myself and others down, to disappoint,
It comes as no surprise that it is my greatest feat in life.
Every second of every day I am consumed by this phobia,
I’m petrified, I know it will drive me to the edge of hysteria.
But as a girl in her teens, isn’t that too much of a burden to bear?
I wish i was free, I wish I had to the ability to not care,
But I don’t, it hurts me, it scares me,
I often wish i wasn’t born in this body.
I cannot and do not blame anyone for the way I feel,
It's so easy to convince yourself that others aren’t real.
I’ve felt that way about so many others, they seem so perfect,
And I suppose now writing this poem makes me a hypocrite.
As the saying goes, the grass is greener on the side,
Things are never as they seem from the outside.
Almost impossible it seems to put yourself in someone else's shoes,
To feel as your own, their views and blues.
Copyright © Sanika Abedin | Year Posted 2022
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Sanika Abedin Poem
The days were brighter then,
When without the slightest effort, I’d succeed in making a good impression.
Now it seems no one knows me to be “good”,
How will they? I’ve hardly provided any proof
I used to swim in an ocean of praise,
And I’d bring home what I perceived to be, good grades.
My smile-wreaked of genuine ecstasy
Now it seems to be impregnated with melancholy.
Desolated and a mess,
I’m losing the best part of myself.
I feel as though I’m burning out like a candle,
One, I fear won’t ever rekindle.
My passion, I know has not yet, been misplaced,
Even at my darkest hour,
I refuse to let years of hard work go to waste.
It’s foolish to even think
That I’m on the brink
Of failing to chase a legacy
Created by the so-called “old” me.
To great lengths I’d go to get that girl back
And as I’m latching on to the faintest hope of getting her on track
I urge her not to abandon me and depart forever
Because I don’t know who I am without her.
Copyright © Sanika Abedin | Year Posted 2024
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Sanika Abedin Poem
Dear God,
It is a common belief that learning, true learning does not take place
Without mistakes made along the way
I’ve made my fair share,
And there’s a lot of realisations I’ve come to today
I need to learn,
How to keep my calm and breathe
I need to learn,
To “get a grip of myself” even when it feels as though the walls are caving in
I need to learn,
To know when to stop before I push things too far
I need to learn,
To not let temporary emotions cultivate into permanent scars
I need to learn,
That if i can forgive others so easily, I should myself
I need to learn,
That it is I, I have to live with, and not them
I need to learn,
When only I can help myself, and when to ask for help
I need to learn,
To not just be there for others, but also for myself
I need to learn
To tend to my breaking heart without hurting my body
I need to learn,
How to train my heart to not give itself away so easily
I need to learn,
To acknowledge my flaws and work on them at every turn
I need to learn,
That inspite of them, it doesn’t help to beat myself up
I need to learn,
When to hold on, but more importantly when to let go
I need to learn
To make peace with the fact that things with happen at their natural flow
I need to learn,
That I am not a catalyst so its not upto me to speed things up
I need to learn,
That my meddling can cause good things to faster be done
I need to learn,
To care, but to care with caution
I need to learn,
That while I should think things through, overthinking is not the solution
I need to learn,
To sometimes just to hit pause, take a beat and listen
I need to learn,
To stop refuting things just because they don’t align with what I believe in
I need to learn,
Where the line draws itself between trying and trying too hard
I need to learn,
To think twice of the words I choose to roll out my tongue
I need to learn,
That even if my heart was in the right place my words do have effect
I need to learn,
To not do things that will make me regret, in retrospect
There is but so much I have yet to learn,
To have patience for the things I yearn.
But most importantly I need to learn
That the word love should not only be used on others but also myself
I need to learn,
That my love for others will not keep me
going bc in the end I have only myself
I need to learn,
that to make it out of this harsh cruel world there is but one I need to love without regrets
I need to learn,
How to love, how to fall in love with myself.
Copyright © Sanika Abedin | Year Posted 2024
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Sanika Abedin Poem
Even when my eyes sting too much to even peek,
I somehow still cannot seem to fall asleep
What is this evil force that keeps me wide awake?
This monster, no matter how i hard I try is impossible to shake
It is fear i believe, fear in all its different forms
The fear of failure, disappointing and the fear of the unknown
I so desperately wish i was once again a carefree kid,
With fewer burdens to bear i could easily sleep like i once did.
Is it that insomnia thing everyone keeps talking about or the demons of my past
That prevent me from getting the rest I think i’ve gotten “at last”
It is sleep I find myself craving all day
but when I finally can, lying in bed, i am wide awake
Do the troubles of my past, present and future keep me at unrest?
Or do I have too big of a burden aching against my chest?
My answer, is empty, i have no clue
All I know is that I cannot sleep when it's all I want to do
Oh how I wish to go back to the days where ignorance was bliss
It is more than anything, that time I miss.
Copyright © Sanika Abedin | Year Posted 2024
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