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Best Poems Written by Linda Hewett

Below are the all-time best Linda Hewett poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

Details | Linda Hewett Poem

The Ann Summers Alphabet

A is for a**l
B is for balls
Share them or wear them
Tucked up in your smalls
C is for condoms 
Of all shapes and sizes
D is for dicks
Made of chocolate for prizes
E is for enlarging erections
Oh wow!
F is for fig leaves
Worn you know how
G is for G string
Oooh very nice
H is for handcuffs
Double locked twice
I is for indecent
That sums it up
J is for juices
And not in a cup
K is for kinky
Whatever the weather
L is for lust, libido and leather
M is for mask, massage and minge
N is for naughty
Making me cringe
O is for oral
Taken at leisure
P is for pervert, porn, pimp and pleasure
Q is for quickie
If that is your need
R is for rampant rabbit
One you won't have to feed
S is for S and M
With shackles thrown in
T is for torture
Oh such a sin
U is for urinate
Some folk just love it
V is for vibrator
You know where to shove it
W is for whores, whips, willies and wellies
X is for x rated porn on your tellies
Y is for yeast
Well it does make bread rise!
And Z, well I'm f****d
So I'll say my goodbyes!

Details | Linda Hewett Poem

Trouble In Thailand

I once knew a Thai man
Who had an affair
And at the time he said
He did not care
Well it was not long
Before his wife found out
Now she didn't scream
And nor did she shout
She simply walked over
To the kitchen drawer
And pulled out a carving knife
Need I say more!
Very swiftly and at the double
She cut of the thing
That was causing the trouble
She tied it to a helium balloon
With Some string
And let fly in the air
That troublesome thing
That was not the end of the story, oh no
To the Thai County Court
She was summonsed to go
There she was charged with
Grievous bodily harm
Although I've heard say that
She kept very calm.
But here husband was charged
With a serious offence too!
Indecent exposure to the passengers
Of Panam flight 742!

Details | Linda Hewett Poem

The Ballad of Arthur and Mandy

A tribute to the late, great Victoria Wood x

Arthur and Mandy sat one night
When he gave her a dreadful fright
Ripped off his jumper revealed his string vest
Showing snippets of his hairy chest
He looked at her with eyes ablaze
Held Mandy in a sensual gaze
He pushed aside his bottle of beer
Put his false teeth in and
Said with a leer

Come on Mandy I'm feeling randy
It's time to shake the moths away
Can't remember was it last December
That my best friend came out to play
I'm imploring don't be boring
Let's have a rough and tumble
On the B and Q flooring
Mandy please say yes tonight

But she said
Now look here you've had too much beer
I don't like that glint in your eyes
Your breaths not nice hands like ice
This is no good for my thighs
It's too much trouble you're seeing double
You think you are Fred Flintstone but you're Barney Rubble
Arthur, it's a no tonight

But he said
When we first met, how could I forget
Mini skirt, high heels and thong
You were such a temptress
On the memory foam mattress
How could I have got you oh so wrong
I'll even take a quickie
Please don't throw a sickie
This is very stressful for me poor old dickie
Please just say yes tonight

But she said
Lay off Arthur I don't fancy
You baked, boiled or even fried
You said you had money ha ha very funny
Now apparent that you lied
Not what I planned
Go and use your right hand
All conjugal rights have now been banned
It's a massive no tonight

But he said
Mandy please I'm on my knees
The viagra is just kicking in
Feeling frustrated ages since we mated
Why is it women always win
Put on your nurse attire
Set my soul on fire
I promise I won't mention cellulite or your spare tyre
Mandy just say yes tonight

But she said
Arthur this is no fun
I really think that I'm done
I'm off to bed right now alone
Let me off the hook read a dirty book
Call a chat line on your phone
Go fishing wash the car
Visit the strip bar
I won't be leaving the bedroom door ajar
No no no tonight

Plus the headache is raging
I'm very rapidly aging
I've no interest in it anymore
If you persist, top of my list
Is to show you the front and back door
I've had more than enough
Of all this lust stuff
My final word on this is Tough
Im saying No tonight

Just to add to all that
I'm fed up of being a doormat
I just want to be by myself
Pack your bags today
I wont get in your way
Arthur you're now on the shelf
I wish you lots of luck
I hope you get a bit of relief!
And though this may be way off course
Arthur, I want a divorce!

Details | Linda Hewett Poem

Wishful Thinking

An old man sat thinking
Oh what shall I do
I really could do
With a woman or two!
The younger the better
Or three in a bed
Why are these thoughts
Going round in my head
But his looks were not pleasant
His age clearly showed
He looked like a frog
Or more so a toad!
So he came up with a devious plan
To make ladies think
That he was a young man
He joined Match.com
With a profile that said
I'm tall, dark and handsome
And damned good in bed
I'm just six feet tall
With piercing blue eyes
And in case you are wondering
It's a respectable size!
I own a nice house
I'm solvent and funny
I drive a Rolls Royce
And I have tons of money
And if you are game 
For pleasure and fun
Please do get in touch
I just could be the one
He then sorted through photos
Of himself years gone by
With no wrinkles and handsome
Looking smart, suit and tie
Then he posted his profile
With his hopes raised sky high
But he looked in the mirror 
And saw with a sigh
A beer belly, false teeth
Specs, walking stick
Looked down and oh 
He could not see his dick!
I can get some viagra
A dot on the card
Apparently works wonders
For making things hard!
But there was a huge problem
He thought whilst he sighed
One look at me and
She will know that I lied
What's the solution
We will meet in the dark
Late at night with no moon
At the local park
But he knew damned well
That it would never work
And went to bed feeling
Like such a prize berk!

Details | Linda Hewett Poem

Cynthia Payne

To be sung to the tune of Lily Marlene, inspired by the lady herself and the film Personal Services - Cynthia played by Julie Walters.

Underneath the lamplight in a leafy street in Streatham
Lived a naughty lady, boy, and was she out to getum!
She opened her door by day and night
You know the one, it has a red light
Don't be afraid, come play the game
Our own Cynthia Payne (sing twice)

She has so many girls you will be spoilt for choice
From a Fiat Panda to a classy Rolls Royce
Pay by the night or by the hour
Just present your luncheon voucher
We don't even want to know your name
Our own Cynthia Payne (sing twice)

If you pay by cash we do not charge the tax
With no questions asked they just lay on their backs,
And if you have unusual desires
Our young girls will relight your fires
You will be elated that you came
Our own Cynthia Payne (sing twice)

I can guarantee you will be back for more
That's when you've recovered from being very sore
Next time why not try two or three
With added extras for an additional fee
If you miss this you must be insane
Our own Cynthia Payne (sing twice)


When the night is over and you slowly will awaken
Breakfast will be served with Crumpets, eggs and bacon
But please don't mention the night before
Or you will be right out the door
Make another booking and please COME again
Our own Cynthia Payne

Details | Linda Hewett Poem

Limerick

There was a young man named Randall
Who's willy resembled a candle
Just last night
His wife set it alight
And now it's too hot too handle!

Details | Linda Hewett Poem

Excremental

I cooked a pie with 
For my husband, the old git,
Cos he really had been upsetting me
I used a very special pastry
That was so light and tasty
To help disguise the flavour, OMG!

The carrots, leeks and onions
Simmered nicely on the hob
This is going to be a really special pie
Stock cubes, spices, worcester sauce
All went in with force
The bastard, I hope it makes him die!

You see, amongst his clothes upon the floor,
It's his floordrobe that's for sure
I found his mobile and a text that read
Angela I love you, I cannot wait to see you
And do unpronounceable things to you in bed!
My Name is not Angela!!!

So this needs a lot of thought
And manners I'd been taught
So I'll make him this very special meal
If he doesn't gag and hurl
His stomach will be in such a whirl
And make him oh so very ill.

Two final ingredients left
To go in this special pie
ake mushrooms and  gathered from my lawn
Our dog will play his part
Because of Angela, the tart
It's fresh, steaming and still warm!

At the dining table that night
I could not hide my delight
When he covered his with gravy and tucked in
I forgot to mention, wasn't my intention
That my portion went straight into the bin

I am also cooking dessert
Which with any luck will hurt
Custard simmering nicely on the hob
With added mobile phone and sim
I hope that it chokes him
Next thing going in will be his nob!

Later in the evening
He looked at me and said
Darling, did you find a mobile phone and sim
It belongs to my mate Joe
He left it in the pub you know
Ground, please open up and swallow me in!!!