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Grief Compartments
You know that monitor that confirms the diagnosis of cardiac asystole, which is
lack of electrical activity in the heart
That's what your absence at first caused me to be
I didn't know there was a name for the way I felt
I just knew it was now something I would continuously have to face day in and day out until there was nothing left to think about
I didn't get many choices with how to deal this nightmare from hell
Even years after the initial heart shattering news
I still find it hard to just be ok with the fact we lost you
These days, I don't talk about you a lot
But when I do, it still makes me angry and sad
But I'm mainly hurt because it's been 881 days since you left, and I still feel just as bad
It's a shame, but it's the truth
I hate that I will forever just get to miss you
You know that feeling when you are watching a movie or reading a book and
looking forward to the ending and how that may look
I don't
You won't be there
Your ending happened prematurely
Because something bigger than us
Needed your light a little early
All the pictures I have of you, you look so young
Those were years ago, and
That's how you will be remembered
for years to come
But that hurts. Just the thought alone sucks.
That's it
There are no new pics.
Just old ones that are collecting dust
I hate these everlasting waves of grief
I am trying to ride them, but somedays I just feel too weak.
I only allow myself 10 minutes to weep.
Then, it's back to compartmentalizing all this grief.
I have faced it, well, 75% and I will continue to do so until the last breath from these lungs escapes my chest
I have to choose to focus on living and not your death
I will always take time to think about you, even if I need a box of tissues when I do.
Love you forever, past the moon.
I hope they love and appreciate you as much as the rest of us did here and do.
Copyright ©
SeaAirUh Ma
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